


Magnetized

by aelibia, kauzchen



Series: my past life [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki - Freeform, Anal Sex, Asexual Character, BAMF Haruno Sakura, Captured, Crack, Dubious Consent, Dubious Science, F/F, F/M, Gratuitous Smut, Konan fucks, Multi, Multiple Orgasms, Not Canon Compliant, Oral Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Rough Sex, Sex on Furniture, Sex on an altar, Timeline What Timeline, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Wuthering Heights References, everyone is ooc, not an orgy shockingly, sakura bottoms, sakura tops, sex in a lab, sex in tsukiyomi, sex on money, sex on the roof, sex pollen basically, who fathered this poor child
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2020-11-02 12:00:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20739047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aelibia/pseuds/aelibia, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kauzchen/pseuds/kauzchen
Summary: Sakura has been captured by the OG Akatsuki and of course the only solution is to dose herself with sex potion and bang them all, one at a time.





	1. Zetsu

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all this is 150% porn and very weird. You have been warned.
> 
> Am reposting this in weekly installments while I work on other things. I will probably post a couple more short (new!) warmup things before attempting a larger project that's been floating in my head for the past couple years.
> 
> CONTENT WARNING: So originally when this was posted it was way more dubious consent because Sakura didn't remember what she'd done. I decided to alter this into the current version, where rather than make her black out from a sex pollen potion, she just thinks she drank a sex pollen potion and she's actually just angry and horny. So this is more of a Sexually Frustrated Person Snaps and Bones Everyone in the Area Who Happens to Be Willing (It's A Lot of Them) VS I Drank a Potion and Now I'm Not in Control of My Actions. 
> 
> That being said, even with that contextual shift, this fic is still going to be tagged with Dubious Consent because, ya know, she IS a captive. That's not a true level playing field. To summarize, if this is supposed to be crack humor sex fic, then I don't feel personally comfortable having a character totally black out and have a bunch of people agree to sleep with her anyway, even if it is written to be read for fun. That is my opinion, on my own work, and these are the hairs I am choosing to split! Better back-button now if any of this bothers you, which is totally fair!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this one she blows Zetsu in a lab.

Sakura hummed, the tiny sound filling the spacious lab, reverberating off every available wall and surface.

All alone.

Again.

She clenched her teeth as she reached for another chemical, this time for herself. No more chakra-enhancers, no more ointments for battle wounds, no. This was something for her, something to make her forget. Something to make  _ them  _ pay.

Nothing dangerous, really, just a little harmless sedative, something to take her away for a day, to a place where nothing mattered. A place where she wouldn’t be at their beck and call at every hour of the day. Sighing, she raised the beaker up to eye level to check for precipitates. Skim that off the top, add some more chemicals, whip it up, and voila. A round trip ticket to nowhere in the land of sorrow.

Sakura swished the liquid around in a decidedly unsafe manner, wondering what everyone back in Konoha would say if they saw her now. Judging by the manner of her abduction, they probably thought she was somewhere in the dungeon of the Terrifying Akatsuki Base being tortured and interrogated daily.

And, judging by the manner of her current surroundings, they couldn't be more wrong. She hadn’t been tortured or interrogated once, something that relieved her at first and then just felt offensive. Surely she knew at least  _ one _ thing they wanted. But it seemed all they needed was someone who knew shit about chemicals and chakra interaction, and Sakura was the regional expert on the subject, unfortunately.

_ Damn _ missions to small towns where abducting a powerful kunoichi was greatly possible.

She slammed her fist against the counter, creating a barely noticeable crack in the sterile plastic cover.

And damn  _ her _ for going.

She'd been walking aimlessly in the streets, trying to find where the hell she was supposed to be when she felt a small prick in her lower back. Startled, she'd whipped around and pulled a small barb out of her back, and had time enough to be completely confused at the thorn-like object in her palm before she hit the ground unconscious.

Well, that certainly had been stupid of her. And so terribly predictable. She’d felt like she was being followed for hours, so why hadn’t she done something about it?

Her embarrassing inability to protect herself on solo missions racked up one more tally on her list of things she hoped to forget in the next few minutes. A few more chemicals and it was all done: a strange, light blue chemical that gave off a silvery sheen when she passed it under the fluorescent lights.

It just wasn't fair. She expected to be down there in that imaginary torture room, and she  _ wasn't. _ She was in a state-of-the-art chemistry lab, her every need was catered to, she had a goose-down mattress, she was treated cordially by all the men, and some of them even  _ flirted _ with her. Like she wasn’t even one bit of a threat.

At least the flirting was kept to minute innuendo, and not a full-blown pickup contest between sexually depraved shut-ins. Lucky for her, some of them didn't even care to look her way, namely Itachi and Kakuzu.

But what did that all matter? Even if they were nice to her, as nice as criminals could be, and even if she did get used to them over the weeks past and talked to them sometimes, things would never be normal.

"And that's where you come in," Sakura cheerfully informed the beaker of blue liquid. The beaker said nothing, only waited patiently for Sakura to down its contents and replace it on the countertop. Letting her body slither limply to the floor, she pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, prepared to be whisked away to a world of whipped cream and pretty little flowers.

Or something.

Thirty minutes later, Sakura still felt sad, guilty, and depressed.

" _ What?" _

She stood up jerkily. Screw being sad, now she was just pissed. She picked up a stool sitting on the ground near her and heaved it over her head, and was about to launch it clean out the window when light taps on the lab door alerted her to a presence just outside. Sakura dropped the stool back down to the floor with a bang and rushed to the door, opening it.

Zetsu. He’d been an interesting one to know. His usual form split into two sides, one black and one white, and each with its own distinct personality and tone. Usually the more genial one dealt with her.

He brought a white hand up in between their bodies clutching a small, dark leaf. Nondescript and odorless, Sakura couldn't see what the point was. Oh, wait. He was saying something now. Or  _ was _ he? Suddenly it was very hard to concentrate on his mouth. Suddenly it was very hard to concentrate on...a lot of things.

"Miss Sakura, I hope I haven't bothered your research, but I seem to have made a small error."

Indeed, there were many  _ other  _ things that were nice to concentrate upon.

"That plant you asked for…I gave you the wrong one for that antidote you said you were making today. It looks like I gave you the—"

She was glad he wasn't wearing the cloak right now. His abs showed through the fishnet on his midriff, and they were lovely to stare at.

"—a powerful stimulant which increases the flow of—"

Carry your gaze a bit lower, and there would be...hmm. She vaguely wondered what color he was down there. Could she find out? Probably. 

“—user will be aware of their actions and capable of choice but their every depraved fantasy will suddenly—”

Right now? Absolutely. She felt bold now, no trace of sadness. Why was she sad again?

"—as I'm sure you already know, because it's a rather distinct-looking plant. It's used by many sex workers as a—Miss Sakura? Are you quite all right?"

She felt… _ good. _

She did something she probably wouldn't have done otherwise, that being touching his flytrap. It was smooth to the touch, and he flinched, but watched her carefully, never really making a complaint about it.

"I never noticed how  _ cool  _ this thing looked," she admitted, and she slid a finger down the side of one of the leafy jaws. "It looks  _ very  _ endearing on you, Zetsu."

He tried to draw away this time. "Thank you, Miss Sakura, but about the plant—"

She felt like her insides were going to boil if Zetsu didn't give her some attention, so she took him by the hand and over by a long patient bench. "Do tell about this plant, Zetsu, but sit down."

He stared at her like she was about to pull a sword from her side and stab him through the heart, bright, golden eyes trained on her lips, her eyes, her chest for a split second, and then her eyes again.

She sat down beside him, and he turned halfway toward her, extending the plant. "This is a—"

She took the plant from him, running her fingers lightly over the back of his hand as the exchange took place. "Go on?"

He stopped only to catch the breath that had hitched in his throat. This wasn't like Miss Sakura. Wasn't like Miss Sakura at all. "It's a stimulant that is used primarily by concubines and—"

Her free hand slipped to his thigh, where she kneaded into the muscle, like she was remembering her medic-nin-issue massages, only not. Her fingers extended to his inner thigh, making a jolt of lust flare and then settle in his gut.

"—It's used to—"

"I know what it's used for," Sakura said, and she moved all that much closer to him. She dropped the plant in favor of tracing more of those jagged jaws around his head, tracing veins in the flytrap, passing over the tips and then plunging down. "But I wonder…how  _ to  _ use it?"

White Zetsu's composure was crumbling, and he reached out mentally to Black for direction. Oh, sure, he shouldn't be doing this— _ couldn't  _ be doing this—because Sakura was the captive and the medic-nin and he should  _ respect  _ her and he should be a  _ gentlemen  _ and  _ restrain  _ himself… But it was so hard to do so when she was straddling his lap and running two warm, small hands under his shirt and up his bare chest. And Black Zetsu was silent, a neutral observer who refused to engage.

"U—usually," he started, trying to pay attention to anything but Sakura and what she was doing and why she should  _ get off his lap right now,  _ "one would grind it into powder and then stir it into a drink or sniff it; however, it is possible to chemically al—al—alter it."

"Mm, you don't say," Sakura purred, and she pressed her lips to his jaw, then his neck, sucking and licking and making Zetsu clench the cushion of the bench for all he was worth.

"Which is wh—what I believe you have done, taking into consideration your current disposition and the dilation apparent in your eyes."

"Don't worry about it," she soothed, breath against his skin, fingers threading into his hair, and she was sliding down his chest, off of his lap, and her knees were on the floor before him. "Just…relax."

"What are you—?"

She unfastened his pants, and all Black Zetsu  _ snapped. _

That simmering side of him, with the sinister thoughts and all of those perverse,  _ delicious  _ notions, was having a heyday. White Zetsu, though, was struggling quite nicely for a grab onto anything to anchor him to the  _ here  _ and  _ now. _

And the here and the now were currently Sakura drawing out his length, leaning her breasts on his thighs for better access to him, and her mouth—

Her  _ breath— _

She took him wholly into his mouth, and he felt his fingernails tear the fabric of the cushion beneath him.

"Sakura," he panted, furrowing his brow and trying to keep his breathing even. But it was so hard when she was sliding her tongue along the slit, circling the tip and the barest hint of her teeth across his flesh made him dizzy.

" _ Sakura,"  _ his dark side urged, and it wasn't a plea to stop, it was a thank you.

"Zetsu," she said, and it was in such a way that Zetsu that he was going to come right there and right now.

That said, she pulled away, and he almost whined at the loss. But she climbed onto his lap again, and before Zetsu knew what was going on and where he was, exactly, she eased him inside her.

The first contact was warm and slick and wet, and it was  _ tight,  _ best of all, and White Zetsu panicked, because what if it was her first time? What if a mistake she'd made had led her to this?

He took her by the hips and was about to tell her to get off, please, because he didn't want to hurt her and he was  _ better  _ than all this, damn it, but she clenched around him and he instantly forgot what he was doing.

She held onto his shoulders, bobbing up and down, using her knees as leverage, and he automatically thrust toward her a couple times. A groan slipped from his lips and he pushed his head back against the wall. Every muscle in his body was tense, from the jaws of the flytrap to the very tips of his fingers, and he gritted his teeth, trying to make it last. Make it last, make it last, yes, but he'd never done anything quite like  _ this  _ before, and before she'd just—with her mouth—and God, she was  _ whimpering  _ like that—

He couldn't help it. He just couldn't. He was sure he was leaving bruises on her hips that she could easily heal later, but it didn't matter, because there was just this impeccable sensation that she was going to pull the life out of him, that every nerve ending was sensitized down to his toes, that she was still making those noises and when had she even taken off her panties, and it didn't matter, didn't matter, didn't  _ matter— _

He came on a cry of three parts bliss and one part frustration, but it was  _ wonderful  _ nonetheless, and even when Sakura pulled off of him, growling for some reason and cleaning herself off with a nearby washcloth, he was sitting on Cloud Nine.

He  _ finally  _ gathered enough wits to fasten his pants again, and when he stood up, Sakura was gone.

He was confused for a second. Had she even climaxed? He couldn't remember—

"I wonder if we should tell her I was just kidding and that was just a leaf I found outside on the ground."

_ No. This will be fun to watch. _

Sighing, he shuffled off to his quarters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHEMICALS.
> 
> Fallacy/KorinaCaffeine collabed with this chapter!


	2. Pain(s)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this one she has a three-way with two of Nagato's Pain bodies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I followed Nart on the razor’s edge of its release cycle back in the day. Meaning, when the manga came out in Japan we waited a couple hours for a fan translation. When Pain/Nagato first came on the scene, his name was often spelled Pein. There was a lot of talk about this, but I think a lot boiled down to the fact that we thought “Pain” was so contrived and on the nose that it couldn’t be right. And now here we are.

Sakura grumbled, viciously kicking an innocent patch of floor on her way up to the main balcony. He just had to go and orgasm after two freaking seconds, didn't he?

He so totally didn't deserve that blowjob. Not one bit.

Now she was off to find a larger prize. The arousal pulsed in her system, completely ignorant of the danger she placed herself into by even  _ going _ where she planned to go.

On the second flight of stairs up—why the hell was this taking so long?—she spotted Itachi coming down parallel to her. Normally she'd just ignore him and be on her merry way, but this time she stopped to look.

Customers usually observed their future wares before diving right into making the purchase.

Itachi, perhaps sensing the slight (okay, fucking huge) change in demeanor, came to a stop several stairs below her and looked up, eyes narrowed ever so slightly, as if to say…well, something that wouldn't matter at all as soon as she took care of this guy up here. And maybe a few others along her way back down.

Letting her eyes roam freely over his cloak-less form, she had to say she was quite impressed with his physique.

He blinked, silently demanding an explanation to this visual molestation. She adorned her most practiced, sultry gaze and stared at him right into those blood red eyes of his.

"You have a beautiful body. I'll look forward to fucking it stupid in the future."

She turned away and dashed up the stairs, too high on horn-doggery to wait out his reaction, which is unfortunate, as she would've been the first to see Itachi drop his Sharingan out of pure, unadulterated shock.

Finally reaching her goal, she shoved open the balcony door that led out to the precipice where Pain so often sat and mused on anarchist bullshit from day to day.

And just her luck. There he was.  _ Two _ of him, that is.

_ And no sign of his stupid little girlfriend. Heh, heh. _

Without turning around, he acknowledged her presence casually.

"You were not to come here."

Adorning the Innocent Face was necessary here, Sakura thought.

"I wanted to ask you something."

No reaction.

"Well, it was…something that happened to me. See, I was messing around with chemicals in the lab, and normally I try stuff out before I give it to you guys, and…well, I…"

She trailed off, cheering loudly inside when Pain's head—or  _ one _ of them, anyway—snapped around to observe her, giving her a quick once-over before his gaze returned to her face.

"What is it? Have you poisoned yourself?"

She looked down, trying not to let her ecstasy show too much on her face. For now.

"Something on my skin. It feels like it's…on  _ fire. _ Burning. And there's only one thing I can ever do to even  _ stop _ it. It's so terrible..."

Both of him—God, he was just so weird sometimes.  _ All _ of him.—stood abruptly and walked to where she leaned against the door, shuffling her feet on the ground in an attempt to look naïve.

"What do you need?" He inquired, peering at her skin suspiciously.

"I need…you."

He blinked.

"…to help me fix it."

_ Wait, did he just look  _ disappointed? _ Score. _

"I need someone with a lot of chakra and stamina to help me eradicate this…burning sensation." In a moment of pure nerve, she reached out slowly and lightly grasped his arm. One of his arms. One of his...four arms. "And you have lots of that, don't you? Stamina."

He swallowed. Just barely, but it was there. She hoped he wasn't a virgin. Otherwise this would just suck and she would have to catch up to Itachi back there in the hallway.

Though, if anyone around here was safe to assume was a virgin it’d be Shut-In Itachi.

"So…what is it that I need to do?"

"Me."

Blink.

"A  _ favor, _ that is…I'll just need to lie down here on the ground like this, and you—um, both of you—come to opposite sides. Right. Now lean your head down close to my face…"

"What kind of therapy is this?"

"The kind that works. Now just lean your head down further until it almost touches mine.  _ That's _ right."

Well, laying spread eagle on the ground with two Pains above her ended in only one exit option. She propped herself up on her elbows and gave the nearest one a soft, warm, drawn-out kiss, and when she finally pulled away, she sucked on his lower lip for just a second.

_ This  _ Pain, in fact, had been the progenitor of the other Pain, and he looked, for all intents and purposes, absolutely shell-shocked.

"Is what you had in mind sex, possibly?" the other Pain asked, the one with the long ponytail and that was currently seated at her left side.

"Is what  _ you  _ had in mind sex, possibly?" she shot right back, and he smiled.

"Absolutely."

Pain One, the Pain she'd just kissed into oblivion, shifted above her head and took her face in his palms, pressing lips to hers upside down. And it was the most exhilarating, delicious thing Sakura had felt in quite a while, and she leaned wholeheartedly into it. Maybe this time she could  _ get  _ something out of it.

Pain Two shifted a hand under her shirt, and he traced the underside of her breast before brushing a thumb over her nipple. She arched accordingly.

"You're acting a bit atypical," he mumbled in amusement, and she was far too busy entertaining Pain One's tongue to say anything.

His other hand joined in the fun, tweaking her opposite nipple between a thumb and a forefinger. He was too rough at first, she figured, but she became accustomed to it, and she soon found herself growing dizzy. Her own limbs felt stiff and she didn't really have the presence of mind to do anything but feel Pain Two unzipping her shirt for better access and Pain One panting between kisses, in those rare moments when the two pulled away for breath they didn't know they'd been holding.

Pain Two straddled Sakura hips, then, and his mouth was taking the place of his hands while his hands busied themselves with removing her medic skirt. She'd have to watch out for Pain Two. He was straightforward and suave and fucking  _ amazing. _

Pain One, on the other hand, glanced up at his counterpart. "I feel like I'm missing out on something."

Pain Two grinned deviously, licking Sakura's nipple once more—slowly—before he pulled away. "Not that you can't feel it anyway."

"Still, I'd much rather if  _ I  _ was the one to—"

Sakura was growing very frustrated very, very fast. "Look, you can  _ both  _ fuck me, but if  _ one  _ of you doesn't fuck me  _ now,  _ then I'll be on my merry fucking way."

Accordingly, Pain Two rocked against her, and she saw the briefest slip in his composure.

Resigning himself to his fate, Pain instead concentrated on leaving pleasurably painful love marks all across her shoulders and what he could reach of her neck.

And Pain Two, oh, what Pain Two was doing was absolutely  _ blissful.  _ He was just pulling down her shorts, tugging aside her panties, and then he was inside her, thick and invading in all the right ways.

She gasped and moaned all at the same time, raising her hips to meet his, and Pain One pinned her wrists to the floor.

"Don't do that," he whispered in her ear, and his breath tickled her. "You'll drive me  _ insane."  _ And with that he took the top curve of his ear in his mouth, and Sakura saw stars.

Pain Two started slow, at first, just rocking, experimenting in positions, and he finally settled with lifting one leg over his shoulder while the other wrapped tightly around his waist.

"You need to come to us more often with your problems," Pain Two said on a laugh, but it was strained, and he thrust into her with a roll of his hips.

"You need to come to  _ me  _ more often," Pain One said quietly, so quietly that Pain Two didn't hear. He moved to a spot on her neck just  _ under  _ her ear, still talking to her in that low voice. "Do you know what I'd do to you?"

Pain Two grunted when he finally found a comfortable pace.

"I'd fuck you so hard," he said on a soft groan, and it was more like he was whining than anything. What was it with men and  _ whining  _ during sex? But still, it was incredibly arousing, and Sakura threw her head back. "You'd be so perfect, so hot and  _ tight…  _ I want you, Sakura. I want you  _ now." _

"That's so cliché," she managed, and she smiled around the Pains' ministrations.

She felt him grin against her skin. "You know you like it."

Pain Two was moving faster, panting harder, and his movements were uneven, but the grip he had on her legs was bruising. Somehow, though, with Pain Two pushing in and out and in and out and  _ harder, faster, deeper,  _ and Pain One whispering in her ear and stimulating her skin in a dizzying manner, she found that she didn't quite mind.

Pain One abruptly took one of her hands free from his grasp and then set it in his lap. "Touch me," he whispered, and she could hear exactly what she knew: Pain Two's sensation were transferred to Pain One. Not exactly as intense, but it was enough, and this turned her on more than anything else.

She took hold of him through his black Akatsuki-issue pants, and he nuzzled into her hair, breathing hard.

"Don't stop," she said, and since neither Pain knew whom she was talking to, neither  _ did  _ stop. Pain One was guiding her hand with his own, showing her how to move it and when to stroke and when to jerk and just the right amount of pressure, and Pain Two sounded like he'd just run a marathon.

"Almost there," she whined, and even when she was too out of it to continue with Pain One, he held her limp hand and moved it for her, and Pain Two  _ just didn't stop  _ and she fucking  _ loved him for it. _

" _ Ah!"  _ she said, and it was basically just a reiteration of "Almost there, don't stop, please don't stop, fuck me  _ harder!" _

Pain One was burying his face in her hair and panting and she could hear him whispering unintelligible things, and Pain Two was almost at his point, almost, almost,  _ almost,  _ and she was  _ burning,  _ an inferno on the inside, clawing for release, winding tight in her gut and then  _ snapping  _ and it was—it was—

It was Pain Two coming on a muffled sound, it was Pain One reaching his climax on her name, it was  _ herself  _ getting to that  _ blissful  _ point and then falling down from it, and she finally felt like herself.

Only…not.

Pain Two was recovering nicely, pulling back on all of his clothing and pulling on hers as he kissed her thighs, her stomach, just below her navel, and Pain One was still holding the wrist pinned to the ground with a sweaty hand. His free hand, the one that  _ had  _ been making Sakura pleasure  _ him,  _ was tangling in her hair.

And Sakura was left… _ unsated. _

She was so frustrated. What  _ was  _ this? And she was suddenly angry with the Pains, angrier than she'd been at Zetsu, and she tore from them.

She stormed to the door, but backtracked.

"It was nice," she said, zipping up her shirt with an infuriated noise of metal on metal, "but it wasn't enough."

And Pain One and Pain Two were just left staring.

Somewhere, under stories of metal and stone, Nagato laughed. And then requested access to the building’s live security feed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who's going to be the brave one and openly comment on the porn fic THIS time
> 
> Fallacy/KorinaCaffeine also helped with THIS chapter!


	3. Tobi or Madara or Obito or Whatever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this one the orange mask dude gets humped on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all the BRAVE PEOPLE for commenting thirstily on the porn. I stan your thirst.

_ Power, _ Sakura thought.  _ Maybe  _ power _ is what I feel so allured to. Maybe Pain just wasn't  _ powerful _ enough.  
_

It was too hard to think further on the subject, though—too hard to think of anything, really—and Sakura decided to just focus on her next goal: the true leader of the Akatsuki.

While she  _ was _ the prized apprentice of the Godaime Tsunade herself, Sakura didn't have the complete knowledge of the classified information that passed between Jiraya and Tsunade; even when the Hokage was shit-faced drunk, she didn't tell Sakura much, other than a laundry list of all of her past traumas in excruciating detail. And sometimes her past sexual exploits, also in excruciating detail. So she didn't hear anything of logistical import.  


Except that  _ one _ time.

That one time was when Sakura learned, before anyone else, before any of the ANBU or anyone, that Pain was the leader of the Akatsuki. After a nameless Akatsuki grunt spirited her away to the Almighty Red Cloud Black Nail Polish HQ itself, though, there came other revelations.

Tobi. Or Madara, really.

Sakura entered a long hallway and began opening doors as she prowled to its opposite end.

From what she could glean from hushed conversations between Pain and Konan, Tobi-Madara was the one from whom everyone  _ really _ took orders. It wasn't that hard to figure out, really, and she scoffed into the empty room she opened. Why hadn't the rest of the Akatsuki figured it out yet? It was so _obvious._  


Madara-Tobi was obviously good at hiding, if that many S-class ninjas could be fooled. Then again, Sakura thought, you didn't necessarily become S-class for your intelligence. If you were good at killing people and not getting killed, that was good enough. 

Up and down the stairs, span the whole building and go back again, fourteen empty rooms and one empty spare closet.

She retreated forlornly back into the hallway and slumped against the wall, momentarily defeated. That terrible itching, burning, damn  _ uncomfortable _ sensation wouldn't go away without a fight, however. No sense waiting around in the hallway until she had no other choice but to—

"Looking for someone?"

Oh, great. The orange-masked bastard himself. He was...Madara this time? At least, that's what Sakura had taken to associating his Scary Tough Man side with. She kept running into him at different times, and his mannerisms seemed to switch back and forth between serious and playful. The silly, "innocent" one called himself Tobi and had the annoying-as-hell habit of speaking in third person. The serious one called himself Madara and was, as previously noted, a scary tough man. She kind of hated both of him. And her mental jury was still out on whether this affect was intentional or the result of some past trauma. Or senility, if he really was Madara Uchiha, a very old man all things considered.  _ Gah, this going to be a fight. _

_Now, then. Innocent expression. No!_ _That would probably work better on Tobi.  
_

For the demon founder of the Uchiha Clan, maybe something more assertive was in order…yeah, that sounded right. Powerful people attracted to other powerful people, right?

"As a matter of fact, I  _ was _ looking for you, Uchiha. What on earth are you doing down here in the prison, dare I ask?"

She heard the grin in his voice. "You are quite daring, aren't you? What a spitfire you are. I was right to have you brought here."

She smiled, seething inwardly.  _ What am I, a choice cut of rump roast? I swear if he tells me he "likes them fiery" next I'm just busting a whole through this garbage dump and leaving. _ _   
_

"Hmm…well, maybe I  _ wanted _ to be brought here, Madara."

He walked towards her, then, and began to circle her slowly, something akin to a lion stalking a gazelle.  _ Well, if lions really hunted. In reality, it's the lioness that does all the—Augh! Focus, dammit! _

His footsteps slowed somewhat. "Wanted? You sure put up a fight when someone gives you something you  _ want, _ if that was the case. Did you not have to be sedated for a week before you stopped trying to kill everyone in sight?" He chuckled darkly, and Sakura could already tell what was going on in his demented little brain.

Sakura smiled wider, grasping the opening. He paused, seeing the change in her demeanor, and allowed her to approach him, probably already knowing what she planned to do, maybe even why. He was a  _ smart _ cookie when he wanted to be. With chocolate chips.

_ Mmm…chocolate. Too bad I don't have any on hand. Or honey. And whipped cream. _

"Maybe the sedative was just…" She wrapped her arms around his waist. "…to keep me from getting hold of just  _ you." _

His eyes narrowed in a mock-thoughtful gesture. "Oh?"

"Oh, indeed. I've been watching you—wanting you—for a very long time, Madara. 

"Hn. So now that you have me in your clutches, what do you plan on doing to me?"

She pursed her lips and cocked her head to the side. "Oh…I could think of some things."

"Humor me, then."

She looked around at their surroundings. It was all so…prison-like. Gray stone walls, gray stone floor, gray stone cells…but look!  _ Light _ gray metallic bars!

She sighed. "Well, it's not exactly the best location to do this, but we'll work something out here."

He adopted an innocent look, the very same one used prior by Sakura herself. "Do what?"

She turned back to peer at him once more. "Oh, I think you know what I'm  _ talking _ about," she whispered.

She looked over at the wall not ten feet away from where they stood, entangled, an idea sparking inside her head.

"Hey, could you...find some chains anywhere?"

A drip of water echoed out into the empty space.

"...It was something I wanted to try."

Still silent, Tobi-Madara?-released her and walked into a small room, coming out shortly with a box in his arms. He set it on a nearby table and motioned for Sakura to come and look at its contents. Inside was a plethora of chains, shackles, and all sorts of lovely  _ (kinky!) _ things, and Sakura couldn't wait to put them on...him.

Taking out a pair of wall shackles, she quickly sized it up and held it at an arm's length, trying to judge the best way to go about doing this.

There was a blinding surge of desire when Sakura rubbed her thumb inside the cool metal cuff, and she damn near  _ jumped  _ the masked man, slamming him against the wall.

The breath left his lungs with an indignant "Oof!" He could have escaped her grasps easily if he'd thought she would harm him, but as it was, he just watched her warily.

She cuffed his hands above his head, chaining the shackles to a metal loop protruding from the wall. And then she was rubbing against him like a cat, a very  _ deprived  _ cat, frustrated with his shirt and ripping it off of him.

He shivered slightly at the first touch of cold. "You're very—"

She abruptly stuck her hand down his pants.

"— _ exuberant,"  _ he finished an octave higher.

She growled, loving this feeling of dominance, loving the power she felt just by flicking her fingers over his nipples, pressing herself tight against him, mouth tracing tendons in his neck and his collarbone. She could see him straining, and when he started making appreciative purring noises low in his throat, she slid his pants off his hips.

"Diligent," he muttered, pressing the back of his head against the cools tone floor. It was pretty cold in the dungeon, and Sakura couldn't tell for which reasons he was shivering anymore.

Her fingers danced along his length, his pants still just below his hips, and she teased him to full attention, until he was tugging hard against the shackles and cursing her.

She only took him in her mouth once, because when she did, he jerked, gagging her in the process. But she hid it fairly well, and she used a mixture of her own saliva and his pre-cum to work him into a panting, whispering, hot frenzy.

She slicked her tongue along the underside and over the slit as she pumped the shaft with a fist, and when his groans started becoming more fevered, his incomprehensible words becoming just nonsense that she couldn't understand for the life of her, she pulled away. Completely.

Madara was  _ pissed. _

Not wanting to feel his wrath and smiling like a madwoman all the way, she unshackled him, and as soon as she did, he threw her over his shoulder and then down on a nearby wooden table, all but tearing off her skirt and shorts.

She wondered if she should just walk around naked from now on. It might make explaining things easier.  


There wasn't a moment's adieu, and he slipped a finger inside of her. She clenched instinctively around the intrusion, though she couldn't say it was an unpleasant sensation. Quite the opposite actually.

The thumb of his other hand worked her clit, circling, pressing down hard sometimes and then barely brushing over it other times, and she found herself bucking into his movements, moaning on his name and completely relinquishing all of that former power that she'd felt.

He grabbed her by the thighs and pulled her until she was wrapped tightly around his waist. And when he slid in, rubbing his cock along the slit for good measure, she  _ giggled. _

And it was so  _ odd,  _ but the utterly fervent look on his face was completely worth it.

It was all limbs from there, because he just couldn't keep his grip on one place on her for long, and he was going so hurriedly that he pulled out too far and slipped out sometimes, but it was well worth it, because he  _ had to be the one. _

He bent his head to kiss her, though, full on the lips, angling it in a way that made her feel heady and warm, and when he murmured something into her mouth, just as she felt that tension beginning to splinter and snap, just as he was about to finish, or maybe he already had, just when she was hitting that wonderful fucking point that she never wanted to leave, she heard it.

"Tobi likes Sakura."

She came on a strangled cry of frustration. This wasn't what she wanted. She wanted  _ Madara,  _ damn it,  _ he  _ had the attractive personality.  


Tobi was happily purring and nuzzling into her neck, brushing his nose just under her ear and nibbling occasionally on the lobe.

She pushed him off. She didn't want to be mean, but now it was even worse. That utter drive to fuck, fuck, fuck every available man until  _ one of them  _ could satisfy her completely made her angrier by the second.

"Tobi, I have to go."

"But Tobi wants you to stay."

"I have to  _ go,  _ Tobi. I have to—go wash my hair."

He picked himself up off her and collected her clothes, handing them over silently.

She couldn't ever before remember leaving a room so fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What ever could Kakuzu be getting up to...?


	4. Kakuzu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this one Sakura fucks your great-grandfather. Yes, yours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m here for all you Kakuzu stans. Let’s get grandpa laid.
> 
> Posted early because I thought I could queue posts and I can't but I have edits exclusive to the ao3 posting box and I don't want to re-copy and -paste it to Google Docs so congratulations.

Money made the world go round.

Kakuzu glowered at the piles around him.

That didn't mean he had to enjoy sorting it.

It all started a couple days ago when the door to the vault got stuck in the treasury. Instead of trying to find a way to nudge it open himself, Kakuzu, exhausted and drunk on chardonnay, dumbassedly called on Deidara to help him open it. Bombs opened things, right?

_ Idiot. _

He and Deidara both were idiots, really. He for even suggesting the thing in the first place, and Deidara for not only blowing the door clean off, but sending clay and molten metal shrapnel flying in every direction, skewering stacks of money and sending a black cloud throughout the whole room. The cloud of mystery debris finally settled on every surface imaginable. In the days afterward that it took to scrub the treasury top to bottom, the singed ties holding several hundred packs of fifties gave loose and _ now _ there was a sea of green and yellow on the floor.

Kakuzu sighed like a teenager being told to clean their room for company.

He _ really _ hated sorting.

Putting little ties on stacks of exactly one hundred bills—which he had to locate and align by hand—was not exactly a way he enjoyed wasting his time. He preferred bounty hunting, and wine tasting, and knitting.

For a moment, Kakuzu allowed his rusty imagination to take him back in time, to another time. A wonderful time. The time was a long time ago, and in his mind’s eye there was him and the guy with a fifty million bounty on his head. Oh, the sweet, sweet bliss Kakuzu felt when he finally took the man down and hauled his ass to the collection agency. The money he received had all been neatly lined up in rows, and the workers had even bagged it up for him all nice and pretty. So pretty.

So…tired? He felt so drowsy all of a sudden. _ Odd… _ And that money on the floor was looking awfully plush and cozy right now. It would be okay for him to just lie down on the floor…take off his cloak to use it as a blanket…fluff up a pile of money and lay his head down on it and—

Someone knelt down beside him and put a hand on his back. _ Another _ hand. When had the first one got there--? Startled, Kakuzu tried to reach back and snatch the hand, but to his horror, he couldn't move his body. The fatigue completely grounded him while his mind raced impotently.

What a terrible fate. To render him immobile and steal the money before his very eyes. He now recognized what had made him sleepy, and was somewhat grateful that the invader had at least left him conscious. The genjutsu left him with his wits about him, and that was all he needed to put an end to this ridiculous situation. Akatsuki had other means of communication with the higher powers, after all. It was foolish of this person to think that they had him beat.

But just as a point of curiosity, why the hell weren't they trying to steal anything?

"Kakuzu? Are you awake?"

Well, shit. A small, feminine hand began to run its fingers through his hair, skimming nails over his scalp in an extremely familiar way.

"Kakuzu? I didn't make the genjutsu _ that _ strong, did I?"

He stiffened. Well, actually, he twitched. The fatigue didn't allow much more than that. "Seeking your revenge at last? I always knew we never should have taken you," he snarled.

He heard her hum thoughtfully from somewhere above his head. "Just as a point of curiosity, why did you guys take me again?"

"You already know that. It was for your chemical expertise."

"Right. I'll start believing that when you turn over and fuck me."

"_ What?" _

She cleared her throat. "Well, I knew I couldn't just come in here and demand you to screw me so hard I couldn't see straight…you'd be too suspicious with all the money in here. I had to sedate you first, then come in and make my move."

Kakuzu was shell-shocked. "Come in and…make your move?"

"Yes. So far, none of the men in my life have been satisfactory enough. But I think I can count on _ you _ to make me feel better." She slid the cloak from his body and Kakuzu felt some of his control slip away. Well. _ This _ was turning out to be quite an interesting day.

"So you’ll release the genjutsu so I can do just that?"

"Really? You're going to give me what I want, just like that?"

Kakuzu halted for a beat. "…Yes."

"Then I've already lifted it."

And by golly. She already had. And he hadn't even noticed it.

Kakuzu grunted as he sat up and peered curiously at the girl, weighing in his head the options of actually ripping her clothes off and doing the nasty right there on the piles of money verses getting up and hauling her out by her collar and growling at her to never come back.

In the end, _ she _ decided. Picking up a wad of money, she waved it before his eyes and teased,

"I'll give you all of this money if you take off your shirt."

He snorted. "Playing the stripping game, are we? What are you, sixteen in your parents’ basement?"

A smile. "You’d know, you nasty old man." She tossed the money at him; it fluttered gently down around his body to the floor. "Off with the shirt already."

His fingers twitched as he brought them up to where his black undershirt was tucked into his Akatsuki-trademarked pants and waistband. "What will you wager for my trust?"

She smiled, holding the money fisted in two hands as she raised them above her head. "Tie me down with those threads of yours if you're really all that untrusting."

He couldn't help a smirk from crawling across that wide Glasgow Smile of his. The stitches at the corners of his mouth stretched almost uncomfortably taut, and he pulled the shirt out of the waistband slowly. The chill air of the vault rippled across his bare stomach, and he shivered.

He heard Sakura make a low sound of approval, and laughing to himself, he tugged the shirt completely over his head. Goosebumps rose and prickled along his biceps, his forearms, and swept down across his chest and stomach. He brushed the line running from his navel to under his pants with his thumb when he put his hands to his waistband. It had been quite a while since his last sexual encounter. Money was the only thing that brought him real pleasure these days. The girl was foolish if this farce of hers was a trick, some plan to escape. He’d seen and done it all at this point, really. And while he held no ill-will toward her, he felt apathetic to her situation.

Sakura leaned heavily against the low table in the room, smiling with eyes half-lidded. Kakuzu wondered if there was such a thing as an actual vat of lust, because it looked like Sakura had just been dipped in it.

She dropped the money when he sat on the ground cross-legged, crossing his arms likewise. His pants were still on.

"I think you've had enough," he remarked, sounding far too amused for the situation. His amusement abruptly disappeared, however, when Sakura all but tackled him, pushing his arms down against the piles of money, thighs straddling his chest, her lips pressed firmly against his.

He wasn't even hard, but she slipped down and pulled out his length, hands around him and then her mouth, shocking his body into stillness and his mind into overdrive. She traced the underside with her tongue, long and languidly, hot breath skimming over sensitive skin, and a burning shiver coursed through him.

"I said it was enough," he finally managed to growl, trying only halfheartedly to pull away from her.

Her fingers clamped down into his thighs, and she looked up at him through her eyelashes, mouth just edging back up over the tip of his cock.

It barely took him a millisecond to figure this one out on his own. He said not a word, but settled back down. Likewise, it didn't take him long for the room to heat up and him to feel squirmy and restless. He alternated between watching her, laying his head back against the stacks of money, and groaning incessantly.

She released him with a wet pop, wiping a string of moisture from the corner of her mouth. And then she purposefully and deviously eased herself onto him, arching her back, tossing her head, and giving Kakuzu a perfect view of a beautiful neck.

He held her by the hips, black threads creeping up her body, and leaned up to press his lips around her throat, sucking and licking and leaving a decent-sized bruise. She used the table beside them as leverage for her to lift herself up and then drop back down, slow for only a moment before she completely found her own pace and seemed to dare Kakuzu to keep up. He squeezed her body tight with the threads and she cried out for more the tighter he wound her up.

When the muscles in his neck and back began to strain he lay back again, gritting his teeth. For the most part they'd both been rather quiet, but he broke this hush by groaning, fingertips digging into her skin.

Sakura wasn't even unclothed, but she'd pulled off her shorts and her skirt was pushed aside, and he didn't really care at this moment. Sex was sex, just like it always had been.

He felt himself growing dangerously close to release, so he slipped his middle finger inside of her, stimulating her clit and reveling in the way she clenched around him and shuddered. She called out his name at every thrust, eventually wearing it down to mere syllables. "Kakuzu! Kakuzu! Ka-ah… 'Kuzu!"

Years and years of, well…_ life _ gave him the knowledge he needed to realize that she'd come first, and, thankfully, he stopped holding back. Maybe twenty seconds later and he stilled inside of her, her slumped over him, hands rubbing his chest and tracing stray lines of stitches.

He regained his breath for a moment, watching her breath heavily against him, but after a second, she snapped her gaze to him.

"…What?" he asked, unnerved by her stare.

She blinked, and then her eyes narrowed. "That's it?"

"'That's it?'" he growled, offended. "I'm not a machine. And I’m four times your age, little girl."

She sneered at him, seemingly disgusted, and a very angry portion of Kakuzu deep inside clenched. He watched her sift around the stacks of money for her shorts before pulling them on, refusing to look at him.

And then she was storming out of the vault, slamming the heavy door behind her. Money fluttered aimlessly around him. So there Kakuzu sat, half naked, lying in a pile of riches.

Grunting in dissatisfaction, he put one hand down to brace himself as he stood. The money underneath him was…sticky. And damp.

A feral expression crossed his features. He lashed out at a stack of cash with a blackened fist, watching the paper fly and dance to the ground. "Son of a bitch."

There wasn't enough chardonnay in the whole world to make up for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's your first day as a transfer student to Konoha High! Will Kakuzu-sempai, an actual old man getting his GED, notice you? Not if you don't have a whole loaf of brioche in your mouth while you're running late to school he won't.
> 
> Memeologists may consult the "Shit, I'm Late for School" meme for clarification on what Kakuzu-sempai will and will not notice.


	5. Sasori

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Sakura does not fuck Sasori.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sakura, some people just don't care about sex.

Sasori sighed and turned the puppet's head this way and that. It just wasn't _ right _.

You'd think, after a shitload of experience in the puppet-making business, one would know _ instinctively _ by now how to make a puppet. There shouldn't be any problems involved in the basic process. Fine-tuning and unique upgrades, sure. But not basic shit.

Then again, he thought to himself, if every puppet came to him to easily and without strife, there would no longer be any joy in his art. If he installed every combative poison canister with his brain and not his heart, well…that just wouldn't be true art. It—was someone knocking? During _ studio _ hours?

On _ his _ door?

Goodness gracious, he hadn't had company since—since—god_ damn, _ the place was a mess. Blood all over Hiruko, kunai all over the floor…what would they _ think, _ coming into—oh. Her. 

Sakura.

…

Sakura?

He barely croaked out a hesitant greeting before she dashed forward and latched onto his upper arms. She didn't feel dangerous, so maybe there was nothing to worry abou—

"Sasori. I need to know."

"Need…to know…?"

"Do you…have a penis? When you turned yourself into a—like did you get rid of it, or…? Is there like a dildo down there or what?"

He froze. _ What? _

"Sasori!"

She shook him back and forth, her manic energy reaching him through wooden ears. Was she actually _ serious? _

"_Do _ you? _ Do _ you have a dick?"

"_No. _ If that's what you really want to know, then no. It's gone. I didn't even keep it. Never needed one, really. Sex was never a priority for me, even when I still had my human body. It’s a bit unhygienic, if you ask me."

"That's _ fucked,” _ she spat. “Sex is _ every _ thing. _ Everything, _ do you _ hear _ me?"

His eyes grew wide. Something was rotten in the state of Sakura, and he suspected it had to do with illicit drugs and an overdose on erotic fiction.

With a twist of her hand, she dug down into his pants and fished around. Sasori didn't move. It didn't matter; she wouldn't find anything but smooth, smooth acacia.

"Oh," she muttered, dejected.

"Yeah."

"Um."

"Hmm."

She turned and ran out the door, and she didn't even close it behind her. How rude.

Sasori went back to his desk and continued contemplating that blasted puppet. Puppetry was more important than sex _ and _penises. Whatever she was planning to do next didn't matter. He'd watch the security tapes later, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, people were so mad about this one lol


	6. Hidan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter Sakura commits sacrilege with Hidan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was co-authored by Cynchick, who some of you may be familiar with from the Other Website. A purposeful double-update since the last one was small.

She found him lying in a giant pool of his own blood, so naturally the first order of business was to get all that cleaned up.

And of course, she couldn't get it cleaned up with him fully dressed and all. He was lying in his room, in an outline of a jutting symbol, darkened by shades, sprawled near the airtight windows, spears and daggers of all breeds stuck to various places in his body.

She knew he'd just made a kill, and while that normally would've been a turn-off for her, right now it  _ just wasn't important. _

"Hidan."

And he looked up, glaring at her, the blood pouring from his mouth sluggishly.

"Bitch," he drawled. "I don't recall inviting your ass in here. It's totally rude to interrupt someone when they're praying, seriously. Fuck off."

"Oh," Sakura whispered as she sank to her knees next to him. "That's exactly what I plan on doing to you."

"…What?"

She started with the pike spearing through his heart. Place a hand near the wound, dig down deep with chakra…there it was, the end of the spear. Now she pulled the spear out quickly, her chakra checking the blood flow from the inside out. It was beautifully done, and already his special little abilities were cleaning up the inner workings of his heart.

But of course, he didn't give a shit about that. In fact, he was pretty pissed off.

"The  _ fuck _ are you doing? Gimme that—Shit, give that  _ back!" _

He scrambled for the pike, not getting very far since he was pinned to the ground and all, and Sakura held it out of arm's reach, injecting him with a paralysis jutsu to calm him a bit. From the neck down, of course, so she could still hear his lovely voice.

"God, you stupid bitch. This is just plain  _ wrong. _ You can't just  _ come _ in here and interrupt someone's  _ prayers _ so you can  _ dry hump _ them."

"Glad you catch on so fast. The rest of them were so incredibly slow. And no dry humping. I don't do sex halfway, if you know what I mean."

"Catch on fa—oh, shit. Oh, no you  _ didn't. _ How many—?"

"Just three more after you. Unless, of course, you're good enough to satisfy me…not even Pein could give me that, and there were  _ two _ of him that time. Now that I think about it, I should've had all six at the same time…I'm sure we could've found a way."

"You're fucking  _ sick." _

"I must be, that coming from  _ you _ . Jeez, you made a huge mess all over the floor."

Sakura finished pulling out the assorted pointy things from Hidan's body and began healing the gashes while he spat and swore excessively about religion and the importance of each wound's position and you're going to hell for ever and ever and ever, dumb bitch, and don't fuck up my  _ hair. _

"All right then," Sakura sighed, assessing her work. His clothes were stained and torn, but he wouldn't be wearing them long anyway. And at least there was no more blood on his skin now.

"Time to take off the paralysis?"

"You just wait. I'll make you wish you were dead, bitch."

"Oh, hush."

"Fuck you! I'll—put my fucking shoes back on! I'll rip you to pieces! I will, I will!"

"You know, Hidan…"

"Fucking what?"

"I just finished screwing Kakuzu into next week. So maybe I won't need you at all. I mean, I'm sure you're not as good as him. Oh, don't be mad, it's just you don't have as much experience. There, all done. You should be able to move now."

She twisted around on the balls of her feet and drew herself in to stand up. Predictably, a large hand snatched her elbow and wrenched her back to the floor. Hidan's face was incredibly calm and collected, which was an extremely bad sign. Normally, Sakura would avoid him in this instance, but then again, if she were emotionally sound right now, she normally wouldn't be in the room at all.

"What did you say?"

Sakura sighed again, secretly squealing with glee.

"I  _ said _ that maybe you won't be as good as Kakuzu. I'm sure it's true. I mean, he's a bazillion years old or whatever, and has way more sexual experience than—wah!"

Hidan stood abruptly, yanking Sakura up with him.

"Well  _ I'll  _ show you different, you stupid bitch.  _ No one _ compares me to  _ that _ asshole and gets away with it. I'll  _ fuck _ you so hard you won't be able to  _ see _ for a  _ week." _

"Indulge me."

And he did. With a vengeance. He grabbed her by the throat, not painfully, but tight enough to show that  _ he _ was now the one in control, and began driving her backward with a dark and hungry scowl.

This was the point where the fear would have stirred, but right now all she could think of was that  _ someone –  _ any one of these insane bastards – needed to satisfy her, dammit, and Hidan just may be up for the job. She had a good idea of what was in store for her from this particular Akatsuki, and in her lust-dominated state, it only excited her more.

The small of her back hit something hard, and she turned her head in Hidan's grip to see he'd driven her into a low table on the far wall, draped in black cloth with an arrangement of unlit black candles and several sharp pointy instruments strewn about.

She began to inspect the contents up close when Hidan suddenly spun her around and forcefully bent her over that very table. She gasped and her hands flew out to brace herself, scattering random pointy things and knocking over a few candles.

"You bitch, stop fucking up my altar. I'll make you  _ pay _ for that," Hidan growled, shoving her against the table with a hard push of his hips.

Well, it didn't matter to her what it was. All that mattered was that he was rock hard and ready to go without any assistance from her, which was fucking perfect, because she felt like she was going to crawl out of her skin any second.

With a hard jerk her shorts and panties were down over her ass and Hidan didn't wait a second before aligning his head with her already slick entrance and roughly shoving in to her.

Sakura surged forward with the force of it, a guttural moan escaping her lips. She clung to the edge of the table and arched her back wantonly, angling her hips to receive him better.

He grinned sadistically and smacked her ass once, hard enough to sting and leave a welt later. "You're like a fucking cat in heat, aren't you?" He chuckled darkly as she gasped with the impact. "Kinky little bitch…you like it rough, don't you?" She merely moaned and rubbed herself back against him. He gave her another hard thrust, banging the table against the wall loudly. "Answer me. Don't you?" he growled.

"Yes!" she gasped. "Fuck me  _ hard _ , Hidan. Fuck me as hard as you can."

Hidan laughed cruelly and smacked her ass again. "You asked for it," he said, and began to drive into her with hard, relentless thrusts.

He was absolutely brutal, just like she  _ knew _ he would be, and with her body on fire like this she loved every second of it.

Hidan wasn't concerned about pleasuring her and used his hands only to pin her down against the table, but it didn't matter because she was so worked up at this point that the hard pumping of his cock inside her, hitting bottom over and over, was enough to send her over the edge.

"Oh fuuuck…" she ground out between her teeth, gripping the table for dear life as she felt herself racing toward much needed release. "Faster! Don't stop…oh  _ god _ , I'm gonna –"

The loud banging of the altar repeatedly hitting the wall was still not loud enough to muffle her wails as she came hard, her body spasming with the force of it, intensified by his rapid, vicious thrusting when he came as well, gripping her hips with brutal force as he emptied inside her.

He pulled out with a satisfied grunt, smacking her ass one more time for good measure. Sakura remained draped over the altar, temporarily boneless as she regained her breath.

"Well?"

Normally his smug demand would anger her, but right now, she only grinned contentedly because that burning itch had faded. "Just what the doctor ordered," she murmured, and finally collected the strength to stand up and rearrange her clothing. "I think I might be cured," she added.

Hidan finished zipping his pants and turned away from her. "Good. Now get the fuck out."

Or not. Her face contorted in frustrated dismay when that familiar feeling began to creep up on her again. "Oh no…"

Hidan faced her again, his expression definitely not pleased. "What? Don't fucking tell me you forgot to take your birth control or some shit…"

"No!" she groaned. "It wasn't enough."

Hidan stared incredulously at her. "What do you mean it wasn't enough? I just fucked your brains out over Jashin's holy altar and you're fucking telling me it  _ wasn't enough _ ?"

"No."

Now he looked offended. "You came, I  _ felt _ it. You fucking _ loved _ it."

Sakura sighed. "Yes. But it still wasn't enough." She straightened a determined set to her features. "Again," she demanded.

Hidan's eyes widened warily. " _ Again? _ "

She stalked toward him. "Yes. Fuck me again. Now."

He actually took a step backward. "No."

She looked like he'd kicked her puppy. "What?  _ Why not _ ?  _ You _ liked it too, so what's the problem?"

He scowled and pushed against her sternum, holding her at arm's length. "In case you fucking forgot, bitch, you interrupted me in the middle of my prayers."

"So?"

" _ So _ . And what  _ exactly _ was I doing when you came in?"

"Bleeding all over the floor…" Her eyes narrowed in understanding. "Are you seriously fucking telling me that you can't give me what I need because you've lost too much blood and you're  _ tired _ ?"

He sniffed and looked away. "Something like that."

"Well what fucking good are you!" she snapped, frustration curling around her in waves.

"Hey don't fucking talk to me like that, bitch! I gave you what you wanted and you were fucking  _ screaming _ for it, so don't blame me that your hormones are on a fucking rampage!"

"Fine," she growled, "I'll just get someone else to do it." She turned on her heel and stomped toward the door.

"Have fun with that," he said, turning away again.

"Someone with a bit more  _ stamina _ !"

Hidan whipped around again, livid. "Hey! Get back here you bitch, I'll fucking  _ show _ you stamina!"

But the door was already slamming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #thatfeel when grandpa just hits it better than the dude who can rip his own nuts off for the Aesthetic
> 
> 1 comment = 1 pat on the back for Hidan who is crying in a corner


	7. Kisame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter Sakura enjoys rooftop vistas and anal, both with Kisame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING: Wuthering Heights lol
> 
> J-Pop Princess co-authored this chapter.

Kisame flipped through the pages of his bingo book idly, sighing when a gust of wind blew a mess of leaves into his face. He hated being on the roof, but there just wasn't anything to  _ do _ today.

Usually he could coax someone into sparring with him, although sometimes it took a bribe, lazy assholes, but today no one was even  _ there. _ He could've sworn that Itachi was in the base somewhere—he found him earlier conducting a one-man battle formation designed to discourage pursuants, for some strange reason—but today he couldn't even find Tobi.

Bingo books: a great place to keep up with the who’s who of the shinobi world. Kakashi Hatake, Kisame Hoshigaki (it was a lovely photo, really), Gaara of the Desert, Kabuto, some kid with green hair, Gai…wasn't it about time to chase down that bastard again? Nah, too much trouble. He didn't want to upset Pain just to satisfy a grudge. No one accomplished anything going around acting like Deidara, who would probably engage a suicide bomb to spite a fast-food worker who got his order wrong.

Kisame shifted and scratched his knee, put the bingo book down, and reached deep in his cloak, pulling out a thin book with a battered cover. This was the real reason he was on the roof. If anyone ever knew his obsession for the passionate romance between Heathcliff and Catherine--well, he'd win every consequent battle due to the opponent's mocking laughter distracting them from the killing blow.

But that was all behind him now. Soon he stood at the entrance to Thrushcross Grange with Lockwood, and anticipating the terrible nightmare. Catherine's ghost would come back from the clutches of death to—

"Kisame? What are you reading?"

_ Putitawayputitawayputitaway. _

"Kisame."

Kisame whipped around and threateningly pointed his sword at a small, pink-haired girl.

"And what do you think you're doing out of the building, little girl?"

"Oh…Pain let me out. For reasons. Is that  _ Wuthering Heights?" _

"It's a bingo book, are you blind?"

"I had no idea that bingo books were considered such classic literature."

"Well, they are."

"I'm sure. Hey, Kisame?"

"Shouldn't you be in the lab? I'll escort you back. There's really no need for you to be outside, and I need to get back to that book. Bingo book."

"That's unusually polite of you. Eager to get back to Catherine and Heathcliff?"

"I am  _ not _ reading whatever that is you're talking about."

"Mmm. You sure sound on the defensive."

She sidled up to his half of the roof and sat down, legs crossed.

"Kisame, can I touch your sword?"

"What, Samehada?"

"…Yeah, the one that looks like it's covered in toilet paper."

"It's not toilet paper," he muttered. But he held the tip of it in her direction, because what the hell could she possibly be plotting that would put  _ him _ in any danger?

"Mmm," Sakura murmured appreciatively. "It's so big…"

She reached out and licked the surface of the bandages, careful to avoid putting too much pressure and releasing the scales underneath. Delightfully, Kisame swallowed and a glazed expression came over him.

"Um, yes. It is, I suppose."

"So can I see how big your  _ other _ one is?"

Her bold statement was just a little  _ too  _ far forward, and not like the asexually feisty kunoichi he knew. Warily, he looked around for a hidden camera that would explain her odd behavior but when detected none, he wanted to make sure he had heard her correctly.

"Come again?

"Oh I'd  _ love _ to," she purred seductively in a way that would have sent off warning bells if he hadn't been so fascinated by the way her tongue was tracing her bottom lip before licking his sword again.

"That's probably not a good idea," Kisame cautioned, not wanting to be held responsible if she injured herself on his sword. However, he couldn't look away from the entrancing sight of that pink tongue darting all over Samehada's tip as the blood flow to his groin increased.

"You're right, I should probably be licking  _ this one _ instead," she murmured, reaching past the sword to grab him through his cloak and the front of his pants. In his shock he dropped both the bingo book and his secret reading material, but he suddenly had much bigger and…harder things to worry about.

"Looks like you don't need my mouth," Sakura grinned, feeling the impressive bulge in her hand. "You're already ready to go."

"What the hell has gotten into you?" Kisame growled, trying to back away from her but finding that a very difficult task while she had an iron grip on his cock.

"Nothing yet, but I was hoping that  _ you  _ could be in  _ me _ ," Sakura smiled deviously, her eyes clouded and lusty as she began popping the snaps open on his cloak.

"What makes you think I'd allow that?" he asked, dropping his sword with a thump when she popped the last snap and reached for the fly of his pants.

Sakura glanced at the abandoned book on the ground and then at him knowingly.

"If you're up here reading romance novels in secret, it's obvious you're a little deprived."

He couldn't argue with that. 

There was something about being an eight foot amphibious shark man with gills and gray skin and a mouth full of razors that seemed to turn off a lot of women, and with a man like Itachi as his partner, he was lucky to score at all, having to settle usually for the women that felt sorry for him.

Sakura's proposition was starting to sound very alluring.

"But we're on the roof," he said quizzically, wondering why she didn't try to approach him somewhere where they could do the deed in the comfort of civilization and society.

"Then you can enjoy the fresh air while you fuck my brains out," she said as she straightened to slip out of her clothes with lightening speed.

One minute she was clothed and the next she was completely naked and in straddling his lap while he still remained cross-legged on the floor trying to convince himself this was really happening.

"God, you're huge!" she breathed as she reached into his pants to pull out his rock hard length. His manhood was proportionate to the rest of him, long and imposing but Sakura was anything but intimidated. Just the sight of it made her insides throb even more painfully and she could waste no more time admiring him.

She braced her hands on his shoulders and slammed her hips down in one hard push, crying out at the raw pleasure that sung through her as his massive cock filled up the void inside her.

"Oh yeeees!" she moaned, arching her back as she began to bounce enthusiastically. "I think you can do it. You're the one."

Kisame was too busy seeing stars to bother making sense of her words. At the moment he was trying to remember how to breathe considering his penis had just been swallowed up by a tight, pulsating paradise. She was already so wet. He never would have guessed Sakura was a freak like this, and the way she was slamming her hips into his would have been painful if he wasn't so aroused.

"Fuck, Sakura," he groaned, bringing his hands to her hips to try and slow her down.

She was having none of it, shoving his shoulders backwards until he flat on his back on the concrete and proceeded to ride him with animalistic ferocity.

"Oh fuck! Oh yes!" she cried as she felt the heat in her belly build and coil into something that threatened to explode any second. He was so big, so wonderfully long that he filled her up the way nobody else had. She was so close…just a little more…

She was oblivious to her knees rubbing against the rough floor as she slammed her hips down once, twice and fell apart on top of him, her body spasming as that coiled heat inside her exploded, whiting out her vision and making her cry out in ecstasy without caring who might hear her.

Kisame watched in awe as she came, grunting as he felt her muscles grip his cock and milk him in the most exquisite way, but he wasn't going to give it up just yet, not when he finally had a willing woman to fuck.

He didn't even give her the change to recover before he hauled her onto her feet, his erection slipping out of her in the process.

"Bend over," he ordered, her orgasm breaking down the last of his resistance. If she wanted his cock she was going to get it, hard and fast.

"I knew you'd be a good lay," she panted as she bent over and braced her hands against the stone wall in front of her presenting her deliciously toned backside to the taller man.

"You should have come to me weeks ago, Pinkie," he growled as he slammed into her so hard her head almost smacked into the wall.

"Oh yes! Kisame! Fuck me hard just like that!"

He chuckled darkly and slipped one hand around her waist while the other hoisted one leg up under her knee, changing the angle of his cock inside of her as he drilled into her with bone jarring intensity.

She wailed like a cat whose tail had just been stepped on, clawing at the gray stone in front of her and trying to press back into his pistoning hips with every thrust. He was hitting so deeply inside of her it was making her head spin. Finally, she would get the relief she was looking for!

"Oh yes! I'm coming Kisame! Oh fuck!"

She squeezed her eyes shut against the nearly painful pleasure of every muscle in her body clenching as her orgasm tore through her. Colors exploded across her vision as her nerve endings sizzled with electric heat and she was helpless to do anything but ride out the torrent until she was spent.

This time Kisame could not hold back and came with a growl, his balls tightening as he emptied himself into her at the first sharp squeeze of her pussy as she came. It was official. He could die happy.

No sooner had her earth shattering orgasm subsided, that familiar ache began to fill her once more. Sakura groaned in frustration and spun around, collapsing to her knees when her jelly-like legs couldn't support her but still having enough strength to reach out and take his softening member in her hand.

"You're not done yet," she panted harshly as she began to pump him none too gently, their combined fluids on his length aiding her in giving him a hand job.

"Again?" Kisame gaped, unable to believe that he had made her come like a freight train twice and she still wanted more. "You're an animal."

"Then fuck me like one!" she ordered, as she felt him harden in her hand all over again.

Kisame grinned, showing multiple rows of dangerously sharp teeth, a sight would have taken years off any anyone else's life.

"Have it your way," he said as she turned around, now on her hands and knees with her ass in the air. He rubbed his member against her smaller opening, savoring just how wet she was and made sure to cover himself in a thick layer of her juices. She was going to need it.

"Just put it in already!" she whined, wiggling her ass in frustration.

He chuckled at her blatant need and gripped her hips with both hands to hold her still. He positioned his tip at the tight hole and pushed his hips forward in one slow, unwavering push.

"Ahhhhh!" she cried as she opened up to the massive intrusion, pleasure shooting up and down her spine at the wonderful sensation.

"You like that?" he growled in her ear as he began to thrust hard and slow, sliding easily thanks to her own natural lubricant smeared all over his length.

"Yes! Oh god yes!" she moaned, thrusting back against him wantonly. Sakura screamed loud enough to alert everyone in the hideout to her current activities, but she simply couldn't help it.

But it still wasn't enough.

"Faster," she moaned.

He was all too happy to oblige and began to pound into her hard and fast. Though Kisame didn't exactly have a lot of women to compare her to, he was sure that Sakura was the craziest, kinkiest and by far the horniest bitch he would ever meet.

The pleasure was hardly bearable, each muscular contraction like a mini orgasm on its own, but she knew the best was still to come. Shifting her weight onto one arm, she reached between her legs to rub her swollen clit in time to the cock pounding in and out of her. The result was immediate.

"Oh…MY… _ GOD _ !" she sobbed as an orgasm unlike any other hit her like a ton of bricks, knocking the wind out of her and wracking her body so violently she thought she would break.

Kisame felt it too, her body contracting like a vice around his cock. "Holy fuck…" he breathed in something akin to awe as she literally milked the orgasm out of him, muscles massaging his cock until every drop had been spilt inside of her.

He pulled out and collapsed to the side, his eyes half lidded as he panted in shallow, uneven breaths.

Were all kunoichi from her village like this? If so, he was quitting Akatsuki and moving to Konoha, Pain and his plans be damned.

Sakura crumpled to the floor as she felt something warm and thick run down her thigh. Kisame had no doubt filled her to the brim. She had never felt so wonderfully boneless, so incredibly satiated in all her life. This is what she had needed, this is what she had been looking for. Now she could finally go back to the lab and finish up…no. Oh, please, no.

As soon as the throbbing of her orgasm died down, a new pulse began, a hungry, needy, aching pulse that threatened to make her crazy if she didn't stop it.

How was this possible? She had just had her brains fucked out. In fact, she wouldn't be surprised if they started oozing out of her ear and onto the concrete surface of the roof. How could she need more? How could her body even  _ take _ it?

But sure enough the ache was there, hollow and hot and too painful to be ignored.

"More," she breathed. Pushing up onto shaky hands and knees and crawling towards the motionless mass curled on his side. "Kisame, I need more."

The sword master cracked open an incredulous eye.

"You have  _ got  _ to be shitting me. You just came three times."

"I know, but it wasn't enough."

She was reaching for his member, the organ already limp and most definitely worn out.

"Don't touch me Pinkie," he growled, slapping her hand away. "I'm not a carnival ride. Two rounds back to back is all you're going to get."

"Come on, I'm sure I can persuade your body to cooperate," she said, mustering her sweetest smile.

Kisame may have liked sex, but he liked life more, and he knew that if she had her way with him again, he was most assuredly going to die.

"Go use the sharp end of a kunai you freak," he growled, pushing her away when she tried to take him in her hand again.

"Freak?" Sakura said indignantly. "You are one to talk, Fish Face."

"Hey, that didn't stop you from fucking me did it?" he shot back, tucking his cock back into his pants and beginning to fasten his cloak.

"I thought you'd have at least half the skill with your dick that you do with that sword. Maybe I should have been fucking  _ it _ instead."

"Baby, I'd love to see you try," Kisame laughed, knowing that could be quite a messy affair.

"Fine, I'll just find someone else who knows how to use his cock," she huffed, snatching her clothes off the ground and putting them on almost as fast as she took them off.

In moments, the shark man was alone on the roof with only his scattered books and sword on the ground. He picked up his romance novel, but somehow the adventures of Catherine and Heathcliff seemed a little anticlimactic after what had just happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I hear some love for Kisame in this Chili's tonight?


	8. Deidara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter Sakura fucks an art student and they don't cry about it. Shocker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You get an early update because I am going out of town this weekend.
> 
> Another collab with KorinaCaffeine/Fallacy. This one was probably my favorite in terms of humor.

She could hear him before she saw him. From what she knew about his unhealthy attraction to things that exploded, it was hardly unexpected.

But this time, she wasn't tracking him down by the thrill of shock waves and sparking electricity. This time, she listened for his whining. Sakura thought it was a shame that Deidara's incredible skill at complaining and arguing and generally being an ass were not included in bingo books around the world. The man could bitch someone to death.

Sakura rounded the corner and crouched beside the sliding door that led into the hot springs (fake and too hot) and shallow pools (the bottom was made of some sort of abrasive material that scratched your butt up really bad) that she considered the financial failing of the Akatsuki. So he was here? Really, she had no idea these men even cared to bathe at all.

"What the hell do you want, huh?"

Damn. So she couldn't sneak up on him, then.

But, Sakura mused to herself, sneaking didn't seem to vibe with his style. In her search to be sexually ravished in a satisfying manner, she’d been missing out on a substantial amount of foreplay. Maybe  _ that _ was the reason they all sucked balls at fucking women! Sakura smiled, happy to have figured it all out.

Now, all she needed to do was butter him up.

"Are you gonna come in here or do I have to go get you?"

Sakura kicked her shoes off and left them sprawled out outside the door, opened the sliding door, and crawled into the changing area. So far, he couldn't see who it was, and he couldn't be  _ expecting _ her, by any means. It was substantial to the plot that she kept the upper hand. It was also exceedingly more substantial that Deidara was sexy, whether the plot succeeded or not, which was a plus.

Deidara’s clothing lay haphazardly in a basket, and she noticed they were blood- and clay-streaked and dirty, a sure sign that he was just back from a mission. She groaned to herself. So much for getting him in peak condition. Well, she'd just have to be a little more persuasive this time, put in a little more physical effort herself, and everything would be just perfect. Right?

She peeked around the door of the changing room, whipping her head back in when Deidara glanced her way. Sweet! His hair was down. Sakura shucked her clothes off in the fastest manner possible and began rooting through the cabinets for some shampoo. She peeked again, through the window this time, ducking down when he turned around to glare at the window.

He was just so adorable, all soaking wet with his hair down, it had to be said. If she had to pick an asshole out of all the assholes in the building, it just might be him, due to the sheer amount of charisma he had. If she stabbed a guess at it, she would calculate that he could possibly bang a woman up to seven times in one night. After his dick stopped working, then he could just use his hands! Efficiency. 

"Time to mobilize the troops, captain," Sakura spoke into the shampoo bottle, giggling madly at herself. This was way better than being drunk by a  _ long _ shot. She opened the changing room door and crawled out on her hands and knees. That was hot, right?

"…Sakura?"

Deidara stared at her, wide-eyed, but he certainly wasn't staring at her face. Score. As an added bonus, he'd apparently stood up to confront the stranger encroaching on his nakedness, giving Sakura a lovely view of the…merchandise.  _ Damn, _ son.

When she reached him, Sakura put her hands on Deidara's shoulders, turned him around, and shoved him down to the bottom of the pool, where he perched silently on the underwater ledge, his chin barely poking out of the top of the water, which was also adorable.

Shockingly, he just sat there the whole time she squirted a blob of the manly-smelling shampoo onto his noggin, lathered it up, and massaged it into his scalp in the most sensual display of hair-washing known to man. The only problem with this sort of thing was that the person couldn't really watch you seduce them, and if they could they'd just get soap in their eyes. The only thing left to do was engage him in  _ conversation _ —dear God, why did it come to this?—and hope he hadn't already gone into shock from an overdose on titties.

"Are you okay?" She looked down at him. "You've never been this quiet in your whole life, from what I've heard."

He didn't say anything. She plopped down all the way to the floor and scooted up until she pressed right up against him, a leg on either side of his body dangling into the water.

"So, I've never really talked to you before, Deidara," Sakura said. "What do you get up to when you're not around the base?"

Still nothing. Sakura leaned forward, balancing her weight on his left shoulder to eye the silent male carefully, hands stilling as she strained to see his facial expression, or if he was moving at all. Maybe he fell asleep…no, he was definitely awake. People who were asleep didn't chew on their lower lip and clutch their knees with enough force to snap a femur in half. His eyes were hidden under a curtain of wet hair, but Sakura had a feeling they were closed. Shampoo in your eye sockets wasn't pleasant, after all. 

"Um," she continued nervously, trying to hold back the ache in her legs and ignore the dampness in her thighs for a few minutes longer. "Are you okay? I know this is a little sudden, but I was really horn—really wanting to take some active steps in this, uh, relationship and…stuff."

He really wasn't helping things, sitting there all stiff, Sakura grumbled as she washed the soap out of his hair with a metal dipper sitting close by. Maybe he needed a massage or something. She began to knead at his shoulders, surprised by how tense he was. Gosh, what the hell was wrong with him?

"Could you loosen up a bit? It's kind of hard when you're all scrunched up. Hang on, let me get closer to you."

It was almost impossible, but if she wrapped her legs around his chest, she could press her whole-ass vagina right on his skin. She wiggled around a bit to get comfortable—and noticed when he squeezed a little harder on his knees—and resumed kneading.

"So I know you're into, like, art and stuff. What's it like being an artist? Were you ever homeless or something?"

At this, he seemed to perk up and relax substantially, despite the vagina pressing into his back rather shamelessly.

"That's a stereotype, you know. People always think that, and it's not true. But I have been homeless before, and that was just from being a missing nin. You kind of give up houses and shit after you leave, and—wait, why the fuck are you even  _ talking _ to me? Don't you  _ hate _ me?"

He twisted around, propping an elbow on the side of the pool, and craned his neck awkwardly to look Sakura in the face. She still couldn't see his eyes, covered with limp hair, but she could feel the suspicion emanating from him. Ignoring it, she combed the hair back from his face with her fingers—he scrunched up his nose when her hand brushed over it—turned his head back around with her hands, and resumed kneading once more.

"Shhh…just tell me more. I'm so very interested in your opinions."

"No, seriously. Are you fucking with me?"

"Maybe later. Just tell me more."

"Huh?"

"So I heard you hate Itachi. Care to voice an opinion on him?"

"Why the fuck do you care about  _ that _ douche-canoe?"

That sounded like an unpopular topic of conversation with him. Back to plan A, then.

"All right, let's talk about art. Were you always an artist? Is it something that comes with being born?"

He sighed loudly, then apparently gave up some inner struggle—really, it was  _ so  _ nice of him not to start grabbing body parts all willy nilly like  _ some _ men seemed to enjoy doing—and leaned back against her chest. Sakura relaxed her legs again and gently swayed them back and forth in the water.

"No, it's something you figure out, huh. Like a—a feeling you get inside you when you really like doing something." He drummed his fingers nervously along his thighs underwater; maybe he'd gotten a little too personal than he was used to.

"I knew when I was little that I wanted to be an artist," he continued. "It was just something I knew, and couldn't confuse with anything else. This little fuckery of a shinobi group sucks ass, but when I'm with my art, I'm happy. Hn. And that's—that's it, I guess. I don't want to talk about that anymore, okay?" He huffed, crossed his arms, and sunk down a little in the water.

"It's so nice that you open up to people so fast. You don't seem to have any problems baring your soul, so to speak."

"I'm not ashamed of myself. It's bullshit to try and pretend you're someone you're not, you know?"

"Mmm."

"So seriously. Why the fuck did you come in here naked and start rubbing on me? I'm sure it wasn't to rub my shoulders, talk about deep life shit, and leave."

Sakura sighed. With someone like him, concealed purposes would get her nowhere. Time to quit screwing around. In the figurative sense only, of course.

"I've just spend my whole morning and early afternoon fucking Zetsu, Pain, Ma—Tobi, Kakuzu, Hidan, and Kisame, pretty much. I was just so horny, and they were in my way. But really," she drawled, deciding that a little flattery never hurt a man's libido. "I was kind of hoping I'd find you. Not only are you freaking sexy, I just think you'd be the one to do what they can't, which is make me have an  _ actual  _ orgasm. The others didn’t take. Of course, I haven't had sex with Itachi, and I might not even need to if you can handle me.

"I'm going to be frank, Deidara, just sitting there and letting me do all the work is unacceptable. I'm sure you're perfectly aware of all the other things you can do with those hand mouth things of yours, and I intend to explore all sexual possibilities that can be extracted from them. I'm getting hot just  _ thinking _ about it. And don't think I haven't noticed you staring at me in the lab when I'm sewing stuff up. You just might be the least subtle man I know. So what's it going to be? Do you think you can do better than all of them?"

He forcefully removed himself from her legs and oddly soothing hands, whirling around in the water to face her. His hair was still soapy and pushed back, almost curly while it was wet and weighted with suds, and it would have been endearing if the soap hadn't dripped onto his chin and made it look like he had a white goatee.

"What the fuck is  _ wrong  _ with you?" he demanded, angrily wiping the soap from his chin with the back of his hand. "You fuck six other guys—"

"Well, with Pain, it was technically seven—"

"—and expect me to jump on the 'screw Sakura senseless' bandwagon? It's like…sloppy second. Sloppy sixths! That's disgusting!"

"Come on, it's really not so bad," Sakura offered, still swinging her legs playfully. The arguing dulled the desire in her gut, but not by much. "Really, you can just fuck, flee, and forget, and I'll be fine with that. Just don't forget the foreplay."

It looked like he might consider it for a moment, but then he shook his head and turned away from her. "I'm not sticking my dick in some washed-out, saggy, cum-soaked vagina."

Sakura's fingers clenched so hard into the edge of the pool that she broke off splinters of concrete.  _ "Washed-out?  _ Who are you calling washed-out?"

"I said your  _ vagina  _ was washed-out, because it  _ is _ . If you're willing to fuck an entire organization of criminals without a second thought, I'd say you're a slut."

She jumped in the water, hands still fisted, barely noticing the way he turned and his eyes flicked to her chest, then back to her face. "That is  _ so _ fucking sexist. I drank something in the lab that made me like this! Do you think I  _ want  _ to fuck any of you ingrates? And honestly, after all that bragging about how much “puss” you smash when you’re out on missions, if anyone’s the slut here, it’s you."

"Well, you  _ did  _ fuck us ingrates _ .  _ And I'll be damned if I'm just another check on your list."

Rage almost,  _ almost  _ replaced the throbbing between her legs, and she lunged at him, shoving him underwater, hands around his neck. The back of his head hit the bottom of the pool and made a rather satisfying thumping noise. Fuck it, she'd just kill him.

He overpowered her and resurfaced, swapping their positions. "Crazy bitch!" he shouted, clapping a hand over her mouth and pinning her securely to the bottom. Sakura could faintly see a blurry, wiggly outline of his face above her, and then a swift left hook sent that pretty face of his careening out of her field of vision and halfway across the pool.

He struggled to the edge of the pool and climbed out, dripping and naked and looking very delicious with his too-red face and the angry glint in his eyes. Sakura followed him and watched him stare very fixedly, very much determinedly at her eyes.

"Can we come to a truce now?" she asked, cracking her knuckles as she fisted her hands.

"Anything that doesn't involve my dick inside your repulsive vagina."

She screamed and ran at him again, fist pulled back and glowing gently with chakra. He feinted to the right and then hopped straight over her, making a break down the courtyard and between all of the searing hot springs. "Even if you catch me," he called over his shoulder, "you can't make me get it up!"

"I'm a medic!" she shouted back, rushing at him, missing, and almost falling into one of the hot springs. "You'd be surprised at the things I can do with my chakra."

The look he shot her was equal parts horror and morbid curiosity, but then he ran, with much flopping and bouncing of genitalia, along the far wall, feet sticky with chakra. He almost jumped over it and out into the marsh beyond, but Sakura grabbed him by the ankle and swung him like a shot-put into a deeper pool, where the splash his body made as it hit the water was one of the most single satisfying sounds Sakura had heard all day.

She jumped in right after him, caught him while he was underwater, and shoved him against the pool wall. Her hands fisted into the hair at the back of his head and she sneered. And Deidara…well, Deidara smiled.

She slammed him into the wall again, grabbing his face with one hand and smooshing his cheeks. He tore his face away from her and turned it to the side to laugh.

"What are you laughing about?" she demanded, on the verge of tears. She was angry, frustrated, a little confused, and very turned on. It wasn't a nice mix.

"That was the  _ most  _ fun I've had in this place in fucking  _ forever!"  _ he announced, holding his stomach as he doubled over. "You're too much."

She contemplated slapping him hard across the face, but her hand went the complete opposite direction, and she grabbed a very sensitive area, bending slightly. "Do you think this is funny?"

He'd winced initially, but now he was all grins and giggles again. "I think it's fucking hot, yeah." And then he grabbed her by her neck and pressed his lips to hers, and Sakura almost pulled away before the wave of heat hit her like a ton of bricks. Her knees almost buckled. This was it. Deidara had to be The One.

She released him when he slung an arm around her waist, his other hand moving from her neck to one very cold, pert nipple. "Nothing would please me more than to be inside of you," he said under his breath, and Sakura felt like purring.

"Still think I'm washed out?" she managed, tilting her head back and running her hands down his chest, tracing the stitches and where she assumed the tattoo was, brushing lightly over his navel.

"We'll just have to see," he teased, and he turned her full around, propping her up on the edge of the pool. He took her by the thighs and dragged her into position, draping each of her legs over his shoulders, and his mouth on her inner thighs, his tongue finding her clit and following every curve of her sex was a sensation she couldn't concretely describe.

She almost took off his head the couple times the urge to squeeze her knees together arose, but she staved off the knee-jerk reaction, clenching her fingers into his hair and her own thighs, rolling her hips when she saw fit. And it felt like he enjoyed every minute of it, because the grip he held on her tightened and he moaned into her a couple times, which was very, very nice.

"Now," she gasped, "stop. If you don't stop—"

It was all the warning he needed. He hefted himself up to the side of the pool with her, crawled over her, kissed her neck, and took his length in his hand, sliding it through her once or twice before slipping it seamlessly in.

"Fuck," he said on an exhale. "I wasn't expecting that."

"What?"

He pulled out and pushed back in slowly, breathing heavily.  _ "Tight." _

She laughed and wrapped her legs around him. "I’ve really got to give you a pamphlet on sexual stereotypes and misinformation, art boy. Now  _ move faster." _

So he did, several times, putting his hand-mouths on her nipples and his own mouth to her collarbone, her throat, her lips. He was moaning louder than she was, each thrust bringing a different pitch from him, and Sakura delighted in it, savoring the sounds and the feeling, even the way he sometimes pulled too far away from her and slipped out. And after a few moments he stilled, clenched his teeth, and hung his head.

"Done?" she asked, disappointed, panting.

"No," he said, "catching my breath. Excuse me if I prefer a traditional form of copulation."

"Oh, I like missionary," she hummed, rolling her hips, and Deidara winced.

"Don't do that. Just give me a second."

She counted to seven before he took a deep breath and grunted on a thrust. "Tell me non-sexy things."

"Like what?"

"I don't know! Things that aren't sexy. Kakuzu. Talk about Kakuzu."

"Actually, Kakuzu's kind of sexy. I like the stitches—"

"Okay, don't talk about Kakuzu. I don't want to think of him when I climax, thanks."

Sakura stiffened when he angled his hips a different way, just a delicate shift downwards, and she clenched around him.

"That's not helping!"

"I don't care," she breathed, "just do—don't stop."

And just like that, she could feel the dark shadow of an orgasm, heady in her gut and pulling her insides taut, sensitizing Deidara's every touch until she was writhing and squirming, making noises she didn't even realize she was making. The last straw was her suddenly hearing Deidara's labored breathing, seeing him moving above her, feeling him inside her, because she broke, bit her lip, and arched into him, clutching his shoulders tight enough to leave bruises.

She didn't know when he came or how it was for him, because she felt incredibly dizzy and incredibly sated as he collapsed beside her, much like the rest of them. But his arm stayed around her waist, not much like the rest of them, and he pressed his face into her neck.

She kept her eyes closed lazily, waiting for her breathing to slow and hoping that Deidara had done the impossible and finally satisfied her. She couldn't even feel the slow burn of that medicine anymore, though her veins and muscles and every inch of her positively thrummed for a very, very different reason. After a few moments the world came back into focus, starting with touch. The pool water on the concrete was rapidly cooled her back, while the sun warmed her topside. The second was smell, the muggy, salty smell of the pools and hot springs around them. Third was hearing, Deidara's even breathing beside her and the distant call of birds. Fourth was sight, when she opened her eyes and squinted into the sun. She never really registered taste, though, because one does not usually register the taste of their own saliva.

That was it. It had to be it. Deidara had broken her from the horrible curse, or it had finally worn off, or  _ something.  _ Either way, she couldn't feel an aching desire for satiation or an itch she couldn't scratch, and she almost started crying. Instead she rolled over to face Deidara, who also had his eyes closed, and who was laying on his side facing her.

She nuzzled into his neck and sighed. "You did it," she said, grinning like an idiot. "Final—"

He shifted ever so slightly, murmuring, his lips moving unconsciously over her shoulder.

It was back. Burning, absolutely  _ searing,  _ much worse than it had ever been, and this time Sakura did cry. She whined and pressed her cheek to his, and the frustration at being back where she started was almost overwhelming.

"It didn't work," she sniffled, pulling away from him abruptly and wiping away her tears, fidgeting uncomfortably. "Can we try again?"

Deidara rolled onto his stomach, using his arms as a pillow. Wet strands of blond hair fell to frame his face, and Sakura frowned.

"You're sleeping? Come on, Deidara, please try it again."

"I'm tired," he muttered, eyes still closed.

"And I'm horny!" She poked him in the ribs with a toe, and he flinched away. "Come on!"

"Later."

"Now!"

He furrowed his brow and turned away from her. "We can do it again later, I'm tired right now."

She jumped on him, rolling him onto his back, and took his length into her hand. He didn't even twitch.

"I'm too fucking tired," he whimpered. "And stop scratching it! It's sensitive."

"Not sensitive enough," she complained, and despite her best efforts, Deidara fell limp. Every time.

"This is insane! How is this not turning you on?"

"I told you, I'm tired." He peeked at her with one eye. "Come back later, damn."

"No! Fuck you! Fuck me!  _ Now!" _

He didn't respond, eyes still closed, hair splayed around his head like a halo. Sakura cried out in aggravation, slapping the wet concrete with her palms. "Damn it, Deidara! I need you!"

She bit her lip and watched him, crying. She was so damn tired of this! Her head hadn't been clear since the morning—everything felt fuzzy, heavy. She felt careless and indifferent to anything that didn't involve copious amounts of sex. It wasn't a nice feeling, especially when she'd rather be doing anything  _ but. _

She crawled to where his head was, steadied herself with a hand on either side of him, and bent her lips to his. Maybe if she could just  _ give him the hint that she wasn't playing around… _

His eyes opened slowly, first one and then the other, and his question died in his throat when her tongue brushed over his bottom lip. Her mouth was trembling and her teeth knocked his, but he didn't seem to care. At least he was waking up.

He jerked away from her, eyes wide. "What are you doing?"

"You don't understand, do you?" she asked, sobbing now. "It's not like I want to do any of this shit. I  _ have  _ to. I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't." She put her hands on his thighs when he sat up, her fingers digging into his skin. "Can you please try to help me?"

He frowned deeper than before. "I don't know if I can, you know. Are you actually serious about this medicine?"

"Yes!"

He looked away from her, rubbing his cheek in an adorable display of embarrassment. "I thought you were just using that as an excuse…"

"Please help," she said, and it was the most sincere thing she'd said in a long time.

"Why don't you just run some tests in your lab? I'm sure there's an antidote—"

"I can't! Not like this! I can't concentrate on anything. Can you work with me? Keep me satisfied long enough to focus and try to fix this?"

"I—I can try," he said, and then she kissed him again, full of misplaced passion and mixed signals. She'd never been more attentive to keeping a person interested than she was at that moment, and she tilted her head, fitting her lips against his nicely. Her tongue made broad, gentle sweeps through his mouth, and Deidara groaned into her, especially so when she wrapped a fist around him one more time, still half soft.

She pushed him to the ground and he obeyed, while she kissed down his neck, over a nipple, hard from cold air and maybe stimulation, down over his navel, stopping to stroke her hand down over him. He arched into her hand, sighing her name.

She situated herself between his legs, mouth over the tip of his full erection, sliding her tongue along the slit and down his shaft. She pulled away only to thumb away the pre-cum, and then her lips were at the base, licking the underside before her tongue came back to the tip once more.

"Get on with it," he pleaded, voice muffled, so Sakura did. She took him in slowly, inch by inch, until he touched the back of her throat and she held her gag reflexes in check through sheer force of will. She did this once or twice, but his hips thrust upwards dangerously the last time, so she slid deft fingers up and down his length with as much gusto as she was feeling in a very neglected place in the cradle of her very neglected thighs.

"Fuck," he groaned, barely pulling that one syllable together. "Ah,  _ fuck—" _

"I know," Sakura mumbled, mouth still around him, and the sound he made, somewhere in between a gasp and a stifled grunt, made her shiver. She bobbed her head and worked her hand over whatever part of him she couldn't quite cover. He fidgeted under her, rolled his hips, flexed and unflexed his toes, and it seemed like his hand didn't know where to go. He alternated between clutching his own head, the concrete, and clenched into fists at his side.

"It feels like I'm dying," Deidara said, "or flying," and Sakura laughed, once more prompting another half grunt. He was acting sort of delirious, and she was enjoying every second of it.

His entire body tensed at one point, and he stilled, but Sakura pulled away quickly, much to his dismay. The back of his head hit the concrete and he squeezed his eyes shut tight. "This borders on abuse," he said, and his voice was raspy. He trembled from exhaustion at this point, and from being denied orgasm. It was slightly unfair—this she agreed to. So she straddled him, lowered herself onto him, and almost purred when one of his hands instinctively fell to the aching and the pulsing pressure between her legs. The handmouth there licked and sucked while she pumped him, bouncing on her heels and steadying herself by leaning backwards and holding onto his thighs. The double-stimulation made her head swim.

"This isn't going to work," he moaned aloud, stopping her with two hands on her waist. "We can't."

"What are you talking about? Don't stop now!" She swallowed the panting, staring at him incredulously.

"No, it's—the position—it's too much for me," he admitted, and she noted the red flush to his face, his ragged breathing, and the way he dipped his head forward slightly as he sat up. "We have to try something else."

She climbed off him, reluctantly, and sat cross-legged on the concrete. She'd meant to plot a position that was a little less intense for him, but he took this as a bid for him to make his own means. He forced her down onto her back and then hooked his hands under her knees, bringing them up over his shoulders again. He teased her a little longer with the mouths on his hands, breathing just as heavily as she, swallowing every so often and closing his eyes.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" she asked between breaths, and he said nothing, only nodded. Once again, with an alarming amount of force, he buried himself inside of her, teeth clenched and brow furrowed. It was obvious that he was concentrating, holding back as best he could.

"Are you close?" he asked, when the front of his thighs were pressed firmly against the back of hers, her legs up over his shoulders, pinching her own nipples with her hands. She nodded, and he started up a rhythm that she couldn't keep up with.

She had little to no control in this position, and the relinquishment of power felt absolutely wonderful. All of his senses of self-control snapped after a moment, and his movements became jerky, disorderly, with no clear intention in mind other than to find a release.

"Kiss me," she breathed, and he did, head bending low to drop a quick, deep kiss on her lips. "Kiss me again," she said, and once more he acquiesced, stilling inside of her while he fulfilled the request, simply rocking slowly against her. His shaft rubbed against her clit when he did this, and she struggled to catch the breath that she had just lost.

"Whenever you want," he whispered, "come to me. I'll help you. Always." He winced when she clenched around him. "And not just with sex, Sakura." He pulled away and then thrust back in particularly hard.  _ "Anything." _

She couldn't feel the presence of mind to think of anything to say in reply. But with his lips hovering just inches over hers, his hair falling down around them in a curtain of blond, all she could think to confess was "I love you," on an exhale of breath.

He stopped very suddenly, eyes wide and unmistakably blue—confused and demanding an explanation.

"Please, just don't stop," she begged. "Not now! Don't—"

"Don't say that again," he said, and there was a tired hint of something in his expression and in the way that he averted his eyes from her that made Sakura unexpectedly sad. But he continued just then, harder than before, faster, with a little more determination, or maybe with less regard for how Sakura fared, that made her forget just about everything.

He grunted with every thrust, until it all seemed to build up and then quickly shatter, and she watched the play of emotions on his face, the tensing, tightening, the tautness of his body. He jerked once or twice before he mumbled a half-hearted apology and pulled out, wilting to her side.

"Deidara?"

The only movement from him was the rise and fall of his chest. He was ignoring her.

"So, what, you get your lot and then just drop off? That's not  _ fair!" _

No answer.

She rubbed the sticky mess off of her thighs, as if rubbing whatever emotions had passed between them in the act right from her life. "You said you would  _ help  _ me!"

Bursting into another fit of tears, making Deidara visibly wince and turn around, she jumped into a nearby pool to clean herself off. Afterwards she grabbed a towel and stalked inside.

When she was gone, Deidara slipped into a hot spring, grimacing at the soreness of every muscle in his body. He laid his head down on the concrete over folded arms, and was asleep within seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Deidara. Man DeiSaku was my crack pairing workhorse.
> 
> Anyway, I wanna do fic recs that are 1000 words or less to practice write more good since it’s been like ten years. If it pleases you, leave me a comment with a pairing (genfic also okay) and a complete prompt (like a scenario or very rough prompt--none of this single-word stuff or a fuckin song lyric) and I will endeavor do the thing. You can also dm me on tumblr at guiltyfandomtrashwonderland if you are ~shy~ or ~nasty~.


	9. Itachi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter Sakura contracts pink eye from Itachi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Cynchick for Itachi's chapter. Bless.

Where the hell  _ was _ that bastard?

He was hiding from her, she just knew it. Why else would he be so hard to find? She'd been searching for so long her hair was nearly dry. Someone probably tipped him off…Kisame, maybe?

Nah. Kisame was probably still passed out on the roof.

The last place she saw Itachi was…on the stairs, on her way up to the roof to find Pain (which never happened, if anyone with blue hair came asking). She vaguely remembered speaking to him in passing, but she'd been too busy undressing him with her eyes to really pay attention. Had she said something that made him sneak off and avoid her like this?

She shook her head irritably. It didn't matter. She would find him, and then it was  _ so _ on.

She stopped in the middle of the long hallway, pressing one finger to her chin thoughtfully. If she were a bastard, clan-killing genius…where would she be hiding?

If she didn't find him soon she was going to burn up and melt to the floor in a pile of horny goo. She was about ready to just grab someone else again, maybe go back and convince Deidara to let her use chakra to force the blood to his groin. But no…she needed to find Itachi. If anyone in Akatsuki could cure her of this… _ thing _ , it would be the Uchiha. She just knew it.

Then it clicked, and an evil grin spread across her face. Of course! He would be hiding in the one place she'd least expect to find him!

Sakura flat out sprinted down the hall and up the stairs, slowing to a cautious stop and masking her chakra just outside his room. Itachi was a tough adversary, and if he'd set his mind to avoid her she was going to have to be clever about this.

The door was locked. That figured. She began pounding on the door with all of her natural strength, rattling it on its hinges. "Uchiha Itachi! I  _ know _ you're in there! If you don't open this door I'm gonna break it down and you  _ know _ I can, so you better—"

The door disappeared from under her fist as it quickly swung inward, and if he hadn't had excellent reflexes she would have whacked him in the face. Instead he caught her by the wrist none too gently.

Her expression slipped into a beatific smile. "Itachi. Hi."

His eyes narrowed warily "What do you want?"

"Oh, nothing really. I was just wondering…"

Itachi made a startled sound as his vision was cut off by a long red strip wrapping around his eyes. Sakura's hitai-ate. Too late, he realized his mistake when the hand holding her wrist suddenly grasped air as her clone popped. The real Sakura had gotten behind him and instantly disabled his best defense.

He was so surprised by the sudden turn of events he forgot to struggle for a second, and Sakura took full advantage by hauling him over to the bed and using chakra binding wires to tie his hands and ankles to the bedposts. That speed training had really paid off.

She straddled his hips and grinned in triumph at her conquest. "Well. That was easier than expected. Maybe you secretly wanted me to find you?"

"Sakura. Untie me."

His cold demand didn't entirely hide the distinct edginess in his tone. Sakura merely smiled and pulled a kunai from his leg holster, then began to cut his shirt open from waist to neck. "So you can knock me out and run away again? No thanks. I think I like my idea better."

"You will regret this," he warned.

"Oh I doubt that. And I'm pretty sure neither will you."

And that was the plan. If she could get him as excited about the idea of repeatedly screwing as  _ she _ was, then maybe he would be the one to finally cure her. Deidara had been on board with her and he was doing  _ so _ well, too…until he went and passed out from a stupid little thing like exhaustion. Wimp.

Itachi was her last hope.

She rose up a little to unfasten his pants. Itachi strained against the wires and snarled –  _ actually _ snarled – at her as she tugged them down over his hips along with his underwear. She ignored him and licked her lips as she gazed hungrily at his revealed – and quite impressive – manhood. "Oh yeah…I'm  _ definitely _ gonna be cured."

"Cured of what? Sakura, why are you doing this?"

"I don't know," she replied mournfully. She slipped off him and began removing her clothes. "Something's wrong with me…and no one and nothing has been able to help. I just feel so  _ hot _ …and  _ empty _ ." She straddled him again, fully naked, and leaned over to brush her lips across his ear, using her most seductive tone, "Won't you help me, Itachi?"

"You are not yourself. You don't really want this."

She smirked and pulled the lobe between her teeth. "Oh yes I do. You see…this isn't the first time I've thought about you like this. What it would be like to feel you inside me and fuck you senseless. Of course I wouldn't have acted on it before, but now…"

Itachi sucked in a sharp breath as she rolled her hips and rubbed against his member like a cat in heat, but he continued to tug futilely against his restraints. "That's not going to work on me, Sakura. My willpower is stronger than yours."

"Is that a challenge?" she whispered playfully, then ran her tongue across the seam of his lips.

He turned his face away before she could fully kiss him. "Don't flatter yourself. I have no interest in you this way," he said harshly.

Sakura's eyes narrowed, but a moment later the twitch of his cock beneath her told a very different story. She giggled. "Looks like your body doesn't agree with your mouth, Itachi."

His lip curled in an angry sneer and he jerked at the wires again. "Sakura, get off of me," he growled.

She placed a finger over his lips to silence him and leaned over again, this time dipping her tongue into his ear. "Come on, now…it's not that bad, is it… _ Itachi _ ?" She dragged out his name in the most sensual, breathy voice she possessed. His breath hitched and his member twitched again, and it was definitely not as soft as before. Sakura grinned. So he liked that, did he?

She began kissing an open mouthed trail down his chest and over his fantastically toned abs, noting smugly on the way down that he'd stopped struggling. She wasted no more time and grabbed his member in her hand, giving it a few teasing strokes before running her tongue over the head. Her hand remained at the base and pumped him as she ran her tongue over every inch, then took him fully into her mouth.

Itachi seemed to have given up the resistance because he was rock hard now and beginning to breathe heavily. A wave of unbridled lust shot through her, heat and wetness flooding her core. She couldn't wait any longer. She released him from her mouth with a soft pop, and he gave a sharp intake of breath that almost sounded like protest. She crawled up his body and straddled his hips again, still holding him in her hand, and positioned his tip at her entrance.

"Sakura…" Itachi growled in warning, through clenched teeth.

She sighed impatiently. "Be honest, Itachi; do you  _ really _ want me to stop?" she purred, giving his shaft a light squeeze.

His breath caught again, and he remained silent. That was all the answer she needed.

She slowly sank down onto him, moaning sharply when he was fully inside her, hitting as deep as he could go. She was on the brink of orgasm already, and the feel of him filling her so tightly sent her hurtling toward the edge. She rolled her hips once – and came. She rode out her orgasm in a series of breathy moans, only vaguely noticing Itachi groaning through clenched teeth as she tightened and pulsated around him.

And when it was over she kept right on going, bracing her hands on either side of his head and grinding against him in a wild, fast rhythm, desperately seeking release again. Itachi was enjoying it too, she noticed through a haze of lust, because he was straining against his bonds again for entirely different reasons, his hips rising beneath hers in the most amazing way.

"Sakura…untie me," he rasped, cutting off sharply when she rolled her hips particularly hard.

She shook her head, not caring if he couldn't see her. She ran the tip of her tongue over the rim of his ear. "I thought we were past the point of you pretending to resist me."

She felt his hot breath against her neck as he turned his head toward her, and gasped in surprise when she felt his lips on her skin, followed by his tongue as he placed hot kisses across her throat.

"I'm not resisting," he murmured against her skin, "I'm giving you what you wanted…and more."

"How do I know I can trust you? If I do and you leave me here hanging I'll fucking kill you so bad, I swear to god—"

"Sakura. Do you want me to fuck you or not?" He thrust his hips upward in emphasis.

Sakura whimpered with pleasure. What she was doing now was great, but it would be so much better if he were free to really give it to her hard and fast like she loved best. Just the thought of it sent another burning wave of desire through her.

The second the chakra wires snapped free she was thrown onto her back and Itachi settled over her, his cock still buried to the hilt inside of her. He'd pulled the blindfold free, but she still didn't trust looking into those dangerous, beautiful eyes.

He drove into her hard, making her gasp and moan. "Is this what you wanted, Sakura?" he asked, his voice a low growl as he continued those deep, forceful thrusts.

She clung to him, nails digging into his biceps as she wrapped her thighs over his hips, her head falling back against the mattress in ecstasy.  _ "Yes! _ Oh, God…Itachi… _ harder!" _

He obliged her eagerly, quickening his pace and slamming into her so hard and deep she practically screamed with pleasure at every thrust. She came violently and without warning, her body shaking beneath him but he didn't stop, relentlessly driving her body into the mattress. And then she was coming again, black spots appearing before her vision, gripping the sheets beside her head so tightly her knuckles turned white. A few moments later Itachi's rhythm broke and he groaned against her throat, emptying himself inside her with several quick, short thrusts.

Sakura lay there gasping and panting, a silly grin on her features. But her breath was cut off when Itachi suddenly kissed her. She was too surprised to react at first, but soon she was responding eagerly, her arms wrapping around his neck. It seemed he was just as good at kissing as he was at sex, and she felt the heat building in her again just from the glide of his tongue against hers. The fact that she was  _ still _ aroused almost made her scream in frustration…until she realized that his cock was still rock hard inside of her.

"Itachi…" she began when he broke away and began kissing down her neck, "didn't you…?"

"Yes," he murmured against her collarbone. His hand stroked up her side and cupped her breast.

"But you're still—" She cut off when he pinched her nipple between his fingers.

"Is that a problem, Sakura? I thought you  _ wanted _ me to fuck you senseless." Then his mouth closed over her nipple, tongue flicking out and circling the tight peak.

"Actually," she gasped, "I said  _ I _ was going to fuck  _ you _ senseless. But this idea is much better."

"Hn." He switched to suckle her other nipple as he began to thrust into her again, his rhythm increasing with every push of his hips until he was driving into her in the same deliciously deep way.

"Oh, god," she moaned, "I sense a sordid love triangle in the making, because I think I love  _ you, _ too!"

He released her nipple suddenly. "What?"

"Nothing. Don't stop!"

Itachi sat up onto his knees and lifted her leg over his shoulder. He began thrusting into her again, harder, every pump of his cock hitting bottom. Sakura moaned wildly, her cries going up in pitch when he began rubbing his thumb in little circles over her clit.

" _ Yes _ ! Don't stop...so close…I'm gonna—"

"Sakura, look at me."

Sakura was so caught up in the moment that she complied without thinking, locking directly onto those hypnotic,  _ spinning _ orbs.

The world spiraled out from under her and the next thing she knew, she was staring into an eerie world of red and black. Crap. She'd been caught in the Tsukiyomi. But it wasn't so bad, she figured, because Itachi was still there, still thrusting inside her. In fact, the sensations somehow felt  _ more _ intense, more overwhelming than before. Oh God, could he really be about to—?

"You want to be cured of your insatiable lust? How about I make you come again and again for the next seventy-two hours," his voice whispered in her ear, though the real Itachi hadn't moved.

But she didn't get the chance to answer, because she was already falling over the edge in the most intense, mind-shattering orgasm yet.

Seventy-two hours later – though in reality it was only around twenty minutes – Sakura lay gasping and boneless on Itachi's bed. Moisture leaked from the corners of her eyes, the experience she'd just had so intense it was almost painful. She couldn't speak if she tried, still coming down from the throes of ecstasy. She'd moaned and wailed so much her voice was hoarse. She'd come so many times she'd lost track, hitting her so quickly it was impossible to tell where one ended and the next began. Or perhaps it had been only one…one continuous, three-day-long orgasm.

Itachi lay next to her, arms tucked behind his head, a smug smirk on his perfect features. She glanced at him and grinned tiredly. She should have come to him first. If she'd known he could do all  _ that _ with the Sharingan she wouldn't have wasted her time with all the other bastards.

In fact, even though she was cured of the insatiable itch after coming so many times she couldn't see straight, she had a feeling she would be seeking out Itachi's services on a regular basis from now on. Maybe Deidara too. Both he and Itachi had some unique, amazing abilities in the bedroom. The two of them could make her "enforced residency" here much more bearable. Maybe she could play on their rivalry and get them to compete over her – sexually.

Wow, she really  _ was _ sick. And this time it wasn't the potion talking. However, just thinking about it was getting her all hot and bothered again. Wait…she shouldn't have the  _ energy _ to be aroused again…she should be passed out cold after amazing sex like that. Did that mean…no…it  _ couldn't _ be possible…

Sakura squeezed her eyes shut and tugged angrily at her hair. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Her frustrated wail echoed throughout Akatsuki headquarters, and at that exact moment, ten dangerous, S-class criminals ran and hid in terror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm really pumped about the next chapter. In the original fic Konan's chapter was a joke chapter like Sasori's and they didn't bang. But I will be a coward no longer. Konan's chapter is next, and Konan fucks. Brand-new content. Yuge.


	10. Konan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter Konan fucks Sakura.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brand new content, baby.
> 
> If this chapter doesn’t make you all spontaneously combust then I’m just going to quit society and live in a cave.

Hours later Sakura found herself stomping up and down the hallways, stairs, and rooms of the base, growling in frustration at every dead end and missed connection. Every so often she thought she caught a glimpse of a thread here, a flash of bright hair there, or heard an  _ oh shit oh fuck _ from what had to be Deidara or Hidan, but so far none of them had stood their ground at her approach. Bizarre as it seemed, the Akatsuki seemed to be  _ hiding _ from her.  _ Her. _

Sakura shook her head. Drafty air chilled by Ame’s rains cavorted down the leakier hallways, settling on her spring-damp hair and making her shiver. The cold was almost enough to sate her craving…only not really. It  _ just wasn't enough.  _ Even Itachi and his freak of nature pink eye powers weren’t enough.

And god forbid if anyone thought she was getting any enjoyment out of this. Normally she wouldn't touch any of these freak show rejects with a pole of any size or shape (she'd prefer something sharp and deadly, if given the choice), but this…urge…drove her to satisfy herself. And, well, they were available.

Now there was no one left. And since they didn't do the job…what then? Sakura stormed down the hallway, not noticing the other presence until she lumbered right into its breasts, knocking it clean off the ground.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Konan apologized, ignoring the fact that it wasn't her fault, as usual. "I must not have been looking where I was—Sakura, are you all right? You look sick."

Sakura helped the other woman off the floor and sighed, her animosity toward the most brainwashed of the group momentarily sated in relief of female contact. After doing nothing but fucking men's brains out all day, there was nothing like another girl to blab about it to.

"Well, I'm not okay. To be brief, I drank a potion gone to hell in the lab, and it made me horny. I've already screwed practically the entire organization, and as soon as I find him I'd better get over this stupid love potion or whatever."

Konan went very still, but smiled gently.

"You said…the  _ entire _ organization?"

Sakura sensed dangerous ground afoot. In a moment of insight, she decided to avoid a potentially fatal encounter.

"Well…." She drawled nervously. "Not the  _ entire _ organization. I couldn't find your boyfriend in the end."

She might have been hallucinating, but Sakura swore she saw a twinkle of amusement in Konan’s eyes.

“And who would that be, Sakura?”

“Um,” Sakura clasped her hands together and squeezed her fingers until the knuckles went white. “You know, that guy you’re with. The one you like.”

“Who is...?” Konan stepped forward,  _ far _ into Sakura’s comfort zone, and laid a gentle hand on Sakura’s face. Sakura suddenly noticed the near-perfect symmetry of Konan’s face, and the way her makeup sparkled up close.

“Uh, well. Um, Deidara said that you and Pain had a thing. Um. I thought it might be Kisame…?”

Delicate laughter filled the space, and while it didn’t trigger any fear in Sakura, it did make her feel...something. Something strange.

“What a lot of gossips you are. Well, I don’t mind telling you that I’m not with any of them. Certainly not with Pain. We have worked together for many years. That is all. Kisame, now…” Konan took both of Sakura’s hands in her own and deftly led Sakura into a nearby room, sparsely decorated with boring, expensive furniture. “...I don’t know where you got  _ that _ idea.” 

She guided Sakura to the couch and then sat down. Sakura followed, entranced by the intense color of Konan’s eyes, and by the way her top hugged her figure in the most flattering way. 

“So I’m gonna be real honest here, I was just saying a random name because I didn’t really have a plan in the case of this...scenario.”

“I know.” Konan ran manicured hands through Sakura’s hair, examining a lock caught between thumb and forefinger. “I’ve watched you from the security tapes all day, you know. It’s been quite amusing.”

Blushing seemed trite at this point, but Sakura’s face came through with remarkable effort. “Oh, my god.”

“Mm-hmm.” Konan turned her body to face Sakura’s, her languid posture juxtaposing Sakura’s stiff, uncertain frame. “It’s been hard, hasn’t it? Finding genuine release. That’s the problem with men, sometimes. They can get better at most things, but there’s something about making love to another woman...we know all the tricks, don’t we?”

The deep, hungry feeling was back in force, but rather than raging away inside of her it climbed slowly upward from her belly, a desire beautiful and painful. She could  _ feel _ her vaginal muscles preparing for an onslaught. 

“Konan, are you...hitting on me?”

Sweet laughter again, not mocking but amused all the same. “I’m offering, Sakura. There are no cameras in this room. Just you and me. May I show you the pleasure you’ve been sadly lacking today?”

And then, Sakura exploded from sheer, unadulterated horniness. 

At least, that’s what it felt like to have the most beautiful woman you’d ever seen acknowledge your hushed  _ yes, yes please  _ by removing the clothes from her beautiful body, climb on top of you, and begin kissing you senseless. When Konan slipped a hand down Sakura’s body and rocked it against Sakura’s pelvic bone, Sakura’s vision tunneled a bit. Oh, she was  _ going  _ to need to buy new panties after this.

“Konan…” Sakura looked up into brilliant amber and elegant lavender, unsure where to put her hands first when her goal was  _ everywhere. _ The most perfect breasts she’d ever seen pressed up against hers in a way she could’ve have known was splendid until just now. She still had her clothes on and she felt  _ this  _ close to orgasm. And Konan hardly looked out of breath.

“What do you want me to do to you, Sakura?” Two hands framed her face and brought her in for another breathless kiss.

“Oh, wow. Uh, take my clothes off? That’s a start.”

“So it is.” And she didn’t rip them off like Sakura or the others had, no--every button and clasp she undid like she had all the time in the world, and when she finally removed Sakura’s underwear Sakura had it in her to be embarrassed at how soaked they were. Konan raised an eyebrow before tossing them to the ground.

“Did the others get you this wet? Tell me. Has anyone ever made you this wet before?” Konan stretched out on top of Sakura’s body, who sent a silent prayer of thanks to whoever had purchased a couch that a human being could actually stretch out on. Hands played with her own, keeping them from coming together in yet more nervous gestures.

“Oh god, no. Not like this.”

“I know.” It wasn’t arrogance when a person sounded so certain, was it? “What next, Sakura? Tell me what you want.”

“I, uh...don’t know.”

“Hm. You don’t know? You seemed quite in control with the others. Am I intimidating you?”  _ Like you don’t even know, lady. And I will kill you myself if you stop intimidating me. _

“Um, you’ve probably deduced by now, but I haven’t done this before. You know. With another woman. I want to try, but...I don’t really know anything about…oh, god--”

Konan pulled them both up to a sitting position again and drew Sakura close, taking a nipple in her mouth and laving over it with a flexible tongue. Every so often Sakura felt the slight cold twinge of a piercing, and began having naughty thoughts about where else she’d like to feel said piercing.

“It’s about knowing your own body first. Think about what you want when you touch yourself, when you fantasize.” Her other breast received equal treatment, and Sakura felt a stab of irrational anger that Konan wasn’t the one with weird multiple bodies.

“Yes, but...oh....” A hand slipped down between her legs and drew circles in the wetness that had escaped to her thighs. She tried to contort her body to get Konan’s fingers up higher, but Konan only readjusted, that soft smile back in place while she watched Sakura squirm. 

“But...ah...all I kind of want now is to get completely fucked senseless by you and not think about anything. I don’t know what that’s going to entail but--” Sakura closed her eyes and wailed when the fingers hit home, the soft pad of a thumb working her clitoris while two blunted nails slipped into her vagina with incredible ease and began stroking her frontal wall. She couldn’t think. She couldn’t fucking  _ see _ it felt so good. 

Konan’s free hand came up and grabbed the back of Sakura’s head, tightening its grip on her hair just to the point of pain. “How about you earn it, then?” In an instant, Konan forced Sakura to her knees on the floor in front of the couch, and spread one of her thighs wide, the other coming to rest on Sakura’s shoulder. There  _ was _ a piercing there, after all.

“Come on, then,” Konan purred when Sakura hesitated. 

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” Sakura said, running her hands up Konan’s legs to grip at the bottom of her hips. “I want to very, very badly. But I don’t want to mess it up.”

“Just think about what you like when someone eats you out. Go slow, pay attention to different areas, don’t go too hard or fast too soon.” She looked like a queen without a care in the world, splayed back into luxury fabric waiting for her supplicant’s offering.

“Got it,” Sakura said, and when Konan tilted her hips back a bit more, Sakura licked her delicately, following the line of her vulva from bottom to top, ending in an experimental swirl. Konan cooed her appreciation and loosened her grip from Sakura’s hair in exchange for running her fingers through again.

She didn’t know how many minutes she spent lost in the world’s most perfect pussy, but she did know when Konan decided Sakura was finished because she pulled Sakura into her lap and kissed her, reveling in her own taste until Sakura felt lightheaded. 

Konan went for Sakura’s hair again, pulling her head back to expose her neck to a barrage of kisses, sucks, and licks. 

“You liked that, didn’t you?” Konan whispered, inserting her fingers easily, using Sakura’s moisture to cover her own clit and rub slow circles as she stared Sakura in the eye. Sakura watched, transfixed. “It’s practically running down your legs already. You want me to let you come?”

_ “Yes.” _

“What do you want?”

“I want--I want--” She couldn’t stop staring at Konan’s hands. The one engaged on Konan’s clit reached back up into Sakura--who whimpered at the brief, wonderful sensation--drawing out more moisture before returning to lazy circles once more.

“I don’t think you know yet, do you?”

Sakura shook her head as much as Konan’s fist of pink locks would let her, and felt another pang of arousal when Konan laughed; this time it was free and wicked. Konan pushed Sakura up until she was standing and lay back fully on the couch. It was at this point Sakura realized the woman’s boots were still on and she almost came then and there.

“Well? I don’t think you’ve quite earned your orgasm yet.”

Sakura made a noise somewhere between a moan and a whine and dropped to her knees in front of the couch, running her hands and mouth all over Konan’s body in a desperate bid to please her. Sighs and murmurs indicated Konan’s pleasure but no matter what Sakura did she wasn’t able to produce the sounds Konan had so easily dragged out of her.

She found herself between Konan’s thighs again, tongue working diligently against all the places she knew she loved on her own body. After a few minutes Konan placed a hand on Sakura’s head and guided her, moaning softly and then louder as Sakura learned the pace she liked.

Strong legs vised around Sakura’s body and flipped her over until she was on her back, Konan hovering over her and panting. When she lowered her thighs to the sides of Sakura’s face, Sakura would have cried with joy if her entire face hadn’t been full of pussy. Konan set the pace now, grinding down against Sakura’s tongue with a hand braced against the couch for stability. Her face flushed when she came, and Sakura clung to her hips and sucked against her clit as Konan rode out the waves of her climax. A hand pressed to her forehead reminded her to stop, and Konan returned to a sitting position on the couch, pulling Sakura onto her lap again.

“How’s that for earning--mmph,” Sakura said. She tasted Konan on her lips again; the other woman quite literally kissed her crazy.

“I’ll let you have a little something,” Konan panted. “For all your trouble.”

“Going to eat me out?” Sakura wiggled with glee.

“No,” Konan said, plunging three fingers into Sakura’s pussy with little warning. Sakura cried out, the rub and press of lithe fingers against her walls nearly enough to send her over the edge on their own. “You’ll  _ really _ have to earn that. Another time. There are  _ so _ many things I want to do to you, Sakura. I don’t need anything more than this to get you off better than you’ve been all day.”

Sakura would have said something Sassy, but Konan was kissing her again and she was practically howling into the other woman’s mouth by the time a thumb returned to pay homage to her clitoris. True to her word, Konan rubbed the biggest orgasm yet out of her several seconds later, and Sakura arched her back so hard she would’ve fallen over backwards if Konan hadn’t caught her in time.

This one seemed to last forever and ever. It crashed into her like an avalanche, intense and inescapable and nearly painful. Konan wrung every last drop of pleasure out of her in a way none of the men had done, in a way Sakura hadn’t even done to her _ self, _ not even with the vibrator that had to be plugged in with an extension cord.

When she came to, Konan sat back against the couch again, legs crossed primly and looking quite pleased with herself. 

“I hope that was sufficient for you, Sakura. Do come and see me again.”

Sakura stood on shaky legs, waiting for the terrible craving to return, and it didn’t.

For now.

She collected her clothes, dressed quietly while Konan watched without comment, and left the room, looking back over her shoulder at least three times. Konan gave her a little wave every time.

_ I need a nap,  _ Sakura thought, and made her way to her room on shaky legs to do just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read this, you are gay now. If you were already gay, you are now more gay. Those are the rules.  
Have your next of kin comment below with your last will and testament. I want to know who gets your crocs.
> 
> Listen, I am so proud of this shit. PLEASE let me know your thoughts.


	11. lol wut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura contemplates her life choices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again to all the authors who helped me finish this fic back in the day: Fallacy, Cynchick, and J-Pop Princess.

Sakura opened her eyes and squinted at the clock beside her bed. _ Noon? _

"Dammit," she muttered to herself, scrambling out of bed and thrashing out of the confining sheets. "I was supposed to be in the lab five _ hours _ ago. God fucking dammit, those samples are dead as hell." Her stomach growled loudly. "And I’m _ hungry." _

She stripped off her pajamas as fast as she could without tearing them and dashed into the bathroom, turned on the shower blindly and jumped into the freezing cold spray, which rapidly turned boiling hot, and then freezing again, and then decided on that place in the middle that isn't hot or cold or comfortable.

God, she smelled weird. Kind of like seven brands of men's cologne all rolled up into one disgusting ball of cheap. Post-shower, Sakura decided on her usual prisoner of Akatsuki garb (underwear, skirt, loose t-shirt, no bra, and her boots of death), and wandered to the bedroom door, brushing her hair as she went.

_ Tap, tap, tap. _

"_ What _."

She waited, hoping it wasn't Deidara or Hidan's turn to baby-sit her all damn day. Well, it was only a checkup every hour or so, but still pretty freaking annoying when they got all close to her and breathed on her neck in the most creepy, lewd fashion imaginable. Mostly Deidara. He had a thing about staring at her, for some godforsaken reason.

But coming to take the seals off her door in the morning was the worst. They would stand outside the door until she was screaming in frustration to be let out—there was no point in sitting in there out of spite, because they had no qualms about letting her sit there for weeks on end—and then pinched her in indecent places on the walk to the lab.

But…no one answered this time. Was this her punishment for sleeping in?

"Shit. Hello? I _ said _ I'm _ sorry." _

She banged on the door angrily. "Hey, if you don't let me out, you're all going to die of pneumonia in the winter when the freezing rain hits, and—wha?"

The door gave way and slowly creaked open, and a phantom breeze blew down the deserted hallway.

"That's…" Sakura pursed her lips suspiciously. She edged out of the door, glancing back and forth nervously. “...is this a test?" She was completely into the hallway now, flexing her fists by habit despite the lack of chakra there.

And then it hit her like a ton of bricks.

“Wait. Oh, my god.” She leaned against the doorframe and slid down to the floor, legs splayed out in front of her. It was like waking up years after graduation scared of taking a test she hadn’t studied for. No one was coming to get her. Of course not. The seals weren’t on her door anymore. Because she’d _ made _ them take the seals off weeks ago in a fit of rage, in between chasing Kisame down for round thirty-seven and having glare-offs with Itachi as they circled around a piece of office furniture in a naked deadlock.

She slid the rest of the way down until she was spread-eagle on the floor. “Oh, wow. I did that. I’ve _ been _ doing that.” The rest of the dream haze dissipated until all that remained was a reality far more strange than any she could’ve concocted on her own. Had she really just been fucking an entire criminal organization for weeks? How long _ had _ it been.

Or _ getting _ fucked, in Sakura’s case concerning Konan.

A flood of memories washed over her, leaving a severe blush in their wake. Now _ that _ had been one contingency her sex-addled mind hadn’t prepared for. True to her word, Konan had been quite pleased when Sakura took the older woman’s invitation to see her again. And again and again. There were _ so _ many interesting things she could do with vibrators. And a strap-on. And ropes. Sometimes all at once. And sometimes just two fingers and some kissing did the trick, to Konan’s amusement. 

Sakura wondered if same-sex marriage was legal in Ame, and if Konan would like a spring wedding.

And that’s when Sakura realized that her entire body felt content and sated for the first time since...well, since Zetsu. “Shit,” Sakura muttered to herself. “That took a long time to wear off.”

A small part of her psyche reminded her of the low probability of a single medication having the kind of sexual and long-lasting effects she’d experienced. The entire psyche was promptly executed for its crimes. There were some things you just didn’t admit even to yourself. At this point, there was nothing else to do but scrounge up some breakfast on her own. 

She headed towards the kitchen, but stopped when she tripped over a brightly colored box that she had embarrassingly missed at first glance. On top of it, there was a note, and on the bottom, a chakra seal.

"_ Here they are. They didn't have the brand you wanted, but these should work _ ...? " She read, highly confused. "From…who? Wait, these are _ pregnancy _ tests. The _ hell? _"

But just because she felt like it, and because of a deeply panicked suspicion, she did three of them, all of which came out positive. The ball of panic threatened to emerge unrestrained, but her emaciated logical side emerged from its hidey-hole to point out that, as she was not the one who handled the tests, they may very well be altered. Or a trick: revenge for plowing her way through this harvest of men like a drunk farmer seeing rainclouds in the distance. Fortuitously, she had a pregnancy test of her _ own _ in her bag in case of emergencies like this one, and it was considerably more accurate than _ those _ grungy things.

Of course, the fact that _ that _ one came out positive as well was pretty fucking disturbing. And it was a prototype designed by Tsunade to test based on the fluctuations in a woman's chakra, and seeing as how she had just enough chakra to pass off as a civilian and it _ still _ picked up the subtle signs…

"Fuck. Shit. God dammit." Life always found a way. Of course, Life probably had a much easier way when it had been figuratively paved and contained numerous helpful signs and Life had been given a map with GPS capabilities.

And she sat on her bed in a cloud of post-sexual contentedness, ignoring the part of her screaming that said she should take advantage of the havoc she’d caused to haul ass back to Konoha immediately. 

These annoying thoughts were promptly drowned out by another terrific stomach growl.

"Okay, time to eat," she barked at no one in particular, and stormed out of the bedroom and down the hallway into the arc of light leading into the kitchen, where she stopped on a dime at the sight that greeted her:

Kisame, sprawled out on a couch, wrapping Samehada in bandage after bandage roll.

Sasori, counting a huge wad of cash next to a pile of DVDs.

Zetsu, having a loud argument with himself about 'new leadership, and what it could mean for us.'

Tobi, reading the newspaper at the table, ignoring everyone around him and tipping up the mask every so often to sip at a martini.

Hidan, staring at her with a disturbingly blank look on his face.

Kakuzu, glancing at her before looking away, then repeating the cycle endlessly.

Deidara, pale as death with enormous dark circles under his eyes, hair a mess, trying to keep himself awake in the armchair he sat in.

Itachi, peering at her intently from another chair, looking healthier than he'd been in years.

Pain...nowhere to be found.

Konan, lounging on the couch like a queen, eating her breakfast like nothing was wrong. 

And for all of that, there were only three words needed to sum it all up.

"What the _ hell?" _

Suddenly, all attention focused on her. Not threatening, but…incredibly intense. What was happening here? She’d never seen them all in one room at the same time. Even bijuu extractions, she knew, were often done remotely. Some of the past few weeks were a haze of orgasms and temper tantrums, but she couldn’t remember anything that would cause them to gather in one place like this.

“I’m going to get some orange juice,” she announced, buying more time to think, think, _ think, Sakura. Did you tell them to meet up? What were you going to say? Is this just a precursor to an orgy? _

"Do whatever you want," Kakuzu growled. "It's _ your _ damn fridge now, _ Miss _Leader."

"You told us to come here, you dumb bitch. We've been waiting for _ hours," _ Hidan snapped.

"I dun wanna do it again…yeah…jus' give me a break today, jus' one day…I'm _ dying _ here, woman," Deidara moaned before his head smacked the end of the table and he passed out. 

And the rest of them just stared. She stared back. And her traitorous memory provided her with some Best Of selections in which she had essentially fucked Pain into submission and the rest--save for Konan--into supporting her naked coup. But this was fucking ridiculous. She couldn’t lead a terrorist organization, and she didn’t want to. She wanted to go _ home. _

And she wanted to marry Konan and eat her out every day for the rest of their lives. 

An idea came, fully formed, to her mind. Hadn’t she told everyone that it had been some sort of chemical concoction at fault for her behavior? If she could just make it convincing... Yes. It was _ perfect. _

"Wait, what day is it?"

"Thirtieth," Tobi muttered darkly from behind his newspaper.

_ "What?" _ Sakura pulled the newspaper down and gaped at the date.

"But—but—was I sleeping the whole month or something? What the hell is going on? I don't remember _ anything _ that went on this past month! The _ first _ thing I know, I'm testing chemicals in the lab, and…the _ thirtieth!" _

She plopped in Deidara’s armchair, endeavoring to look as shaken as possible, while the very biotic chair cushion beneath her lay limp as a dead fish. One by one, the facial expressions around her changed into various forms of disbelief, exuberance, apathy, and relief. Deidara just sat there with his mouths open and three tongues hanging out. Konan smiled.

"You don't…remember anything?" Hidan asked with uncharacteristic caution.

"Well, no, obviously. Does anyone know where Pain is? I want to know what's up here."

"Oh, you won't find him," Zetsu sighed. "Konan informed us he was going on an extremely long mission to, and I quote, “find himself.” She was very close-mouthed about where to or what for. _ In his absence, however, you performed something of a small coup shortly after the departure, and no one really offered any real resistance… _I don't think anyone liked him much."

Good, good...these idiots were lapping it up like gravy. The old I Got Amnesia trick. Classic. Though...Sakura had a _ very _ strong suspicion that Konan wasn’t lapping up shit except satisfaction, but Sakura would deal with that later. In Konan’s bedroom. Getting pounded with the biggest dildo legally available. If she was lucky. She walked to the fridge and drank the orange juice straight out of the container until it was all gone. She felt their eyes follow her.

"So _ why _ is this my fridge again?"

"Oh, no reason," Kakuzu muttered quickly. "It's better if you don't know. Now I can at least _ try _ to put this past month out of my mind."

"I can't believe I even put up with all that crap. I'll bet she was on drugs," Kisame said, both hands covering his face.

Sasori left the room on a cell phone, talking to someone about payments and promotions and 'the biggest thing since _ Kunoichis Let Loose III: Bigger, Looser, There’s Watersports in This One _.'

Itachi just kept staring, although it was a different stare from before. She stared back, trying to read it. Disappointment? Dejection? Heartache? Huh. Not her problem.

And Deidara coughed and sighed in his sleep, muttering 'not so hard' and 'I can't feel my hands' and 'I dun _ wanna _ suck it' before trying to turn over. This didn't work, obviously, since Sakura was currently using his body as a large pillow.

"So…this is awkward," Sakura said. "I…hope things can go relatively back to normal after today…"

"Yeah, right."

"...but perhaps it’s better if I just left and we forgot about this whole thing.” A few of them shrugged, and Tobi gave her a long stare before returning to his paper. And it all would have gone smoothly from there if her brain hadn’t kicked her awareness in the ass and whispered _ you’re pregnant you dumb bitch _ into her figurative ear.

“HEY.”

Everyone flinched hard.

"I _ know _ it was one of you. There's _ no fucking way _ it could be anyone else. _ " _

They waited like prey animals huddling in a corner. Was she remembering? Was she…back? No. It was worse.

"I am _ fucking pregnant. _ And until the _ asshole _ who did it fesses up, I will make your lives a living hell."

Sakura had never, in her entire life, seen a room cleared of men so fast. In their hurry, Deidara was left behind, and when the pink-haired, recently-impregnated kunoichi stood to watch the hasty escape, he fell out of the chair and collapsed on the floor, snoring heavily. Even his hands snored. _ That _ was creepy.

“Well, that wasn’t very nice,” Konan said. She hadn’t shifted position once since Sakura entered the room.

“Yes, well,” Sakura tried. “Fuck ‘em,” she finished, looking down and picking imaginary dirt off of her clothes. A well manicured hand took her chin and tipped her face up. Sakura melted into the offered kiss, but Konan released her mouth with a wet pop and walked toward the exit with stately grace. 

“I’ll be in my apartments. Don’t make me wait more than fifteen minutes and I might let you be on top this time,” she called over her shoulder. Sakura watched her go and then walked to her room in a daze once everyone was long gone.

She slowed in front of the greenhouse door, her eye catching a hint of black and red ducking under the hydrangeas. Zetsu…was he the dad?

_ God, I hope not. _ But if that was the case, who _ did _ she hope it was? Was she even going to keep it? Sakura rested a hand on her bedroom door. She’d already showered, so was there even a reason to go in? Probably not. And she _ really _didn’t want to keep Konan waiting. There was a 75% chance that Konan’s parting words were a power play and she’d end up held down and spanked, but there was a 25% chance that Konan would let Sakura put on the strap, dial the vibrator settings up to ten and take her to fucking town. Either way, Sakura won.

Wobbling a bit, Sakura continued down the hallway, not stopping to acknowledge Hidan’s attempt at hiding behind an artificial ficus. What use were men to her now, when women like Konan existed? It seemed silly now to seek release in their arms when Konan and her many shapes of butt plugs existed.

And as for her escape...well, she’d worry about that some other time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I posted the original version of this, my very last request of my readers was for them to include in their comment who they thought the dad was. I thought this would be funny. It was HILARIOUS.
> 
> If you read this fic and it made you happy in any way, PLEASE comment below with who you think fathered this poor child and include your 100% biologically sound justification.
> 
> Example: Kisame, because Kisame is my favorite.


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